Baby Blues...

The term 'Baby Blues' refers to a period after birth where the mother feels a little down for a few days to a week.

I think the time line there is a load of crap but anywho.

My mood aired more on the side of depression. To be perfectly honest I was not the least bit surprised. I have been battling anxiety since I was about 8 years old and had always planned to resume medication upon giving birth. See my anxiety is purely chemical rather than situational. Panic attacks come after large meals, naps (not something I'm a fan of anyway), and hangovers (as if they aren't pleasurable enough). Oh not to mention every friggin time my milk would let down! Something about my sugar levels triggers anxiety for me. I've made diet changes that allow them to be less frequent but when I was pregnant and tossing hormones around along with a different diet I was having panic attacks 5-6 times a day. It was a blast let me tell you. I've always been able to calm myself down and have them pass quickly but a pukey fall over feeling is not something I want to "work out" all day long.

Well once CJ made his big exit from Ye Old Ute and into the world I was flooded with guilt about taking medication while breastfeeding. So I made the decision to fight through it and get back on it when I was finished nursing. Riiiiiiiight

I. Was. A. Mess.

No, I never had thoughts of harming myself or my CJ. I just cried and snapped at J. A lot. I would bite his head off all day and then cry buckets when he would leave for work.

Due to low milk supply I was breastfeeding, bottle feeding, and pumping. CJ being a slow eater and eating every 2 hours I was sleeping in half hour increments. Screw hormones that would drive anyone crazy.

Needless to say 7 weeks after birth marked the return to my anxiety medication. Let me tell you people I felt/feel like a new woman.

For those moms out there that have battled postpartum depression or anxiety please DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad about getting help or medication. I don’t feel like I was ever not a good mom to CJ but now I know I'm the best mom I can be for him. I finally feel like myself and not so overwhelmed.

There's a side to childbirth and those first few weeks that everyone seems to sugar coat making new moms feel like they are alone or different. Yes, everyone's experience is different but no one’s experience goes without its lows. Everyone talks about the initial joy but no one talks about the disconnect that follows. No one tells you that the bonding grows WITH TIME and then becomes so strong you could burst. You become a mother when that second line appears but you become a MOM the first time you realize you know exactly what he needs without thinking about it and that takes time.

In the end you won’t you remember how hard the first few weeks may have been. You’ll remember the first time he smiled at you or when he instantly stopped crying when reaching your arms. It’s then that it all makes sense.

Congrats are in order!

Just wanted to congratulate a fellow IFer whose been in the trenches far too long. LisaB, I'm over the moon for you and Andy!! For some reason your blog won't let me comment so I just wanted you to know how happy I am for you both!
Send Lisa  some love. She's been through hell and back! 

Birth Story Part Duex...

6:41 a.m. our grueling fertility journey finally had a meaning.
CJ was crying like a champ on the scale and being looked over by the pediatric nurse. Life was good. We got to hold our little nugget for awhile as the sealed my innards back into place.
 As they started wheeling me back to the recovery room I began to notice a wee bit of discomfort in my incision area. Assuming this was normal I ignored it and continued to stare at my little creation. That is until about 15 minutes later when I was convulsing in pain. Guess what folks?! I'm one of the lucky ladies who does not feel the effects of morphine! Fuck me.
They quickly took CJ to the nursery and began scrambling for a new type of pain management, BEFORE I DIED! I have no idea how long this went on before the pain stopped. All I remember is hearing a nurse come in and tell the other nurse CJ was hungry and ask if I could breastfeed to which the nurse replied no. Then nurse A said she was going to have to give him a bottle to which I promptly screamed no. They brought him to me and he latched immediately while I lay there delirious. Some hours later I was being wheeled to my room hopped up on whatever and feeling grrreat!
The nurse came in with CJ so I could nurse again. This time he seemed to throw his latching skills out the window and was using my nips as a teething ring. By the time the lactation consultant came in the damage was done. The pain continued until they healed about two weeks later. But my breastfeeding is a post in and of itself
By the second day jaundice was a word that was being thrown around. We began breastfeeding and supplementing with formula. All to no avail. The jaundice continued to win the battle and my baby was glowing. CJ had date with the tanning bed and we were only allowed to have him every three hours for 20 minutes to feed. I cried every single he went back and went down to the nursery every hour and half just to look at him.
By day four CJ was kicking jaundice ass. We were finally able to leave the next day. Totaling five days in the hospital.
I was still a hurting unit but I had a bottle full of perco.cet and was ready to bring my boy home.

Titles to come:
My Utters...
Baby Blues?
What they don't tell you...

I know your excited!

A birth story....

I'm ridiculous. I know. Time is just passing and adding weeks and months from my last post. But I'm going to try my hardest to get back on track.

November 3rd, 2012, 37 weeks pregnant,marked my first official day off of 5 weeks of bed rest. It now marks the day Colton Justen came into the world.

The day prior to my release from the hell that is bed rest(due to preterm labor, which I'll explain more in my next post) I decided one day will not make a bit of difference and got all of my loose ends tied. Car inspection, errands all over town, grocery shopping, laundry, and our toilet/septic had issues so we had plumbers in and out all day. By the time I was at my last destination, getting new phones at the Ver.izon store, I was cramping like none other. But I really didn't think much of it. I'd been in preterm labor for 5 weeks and was pretty used to contractions. We finished business and got some dinner at Chilly's. I had some spicy salad which was  delish and we headed home to catch a movie. I then proceeded to eat Rees.ses, sour patch kid.s, and popcorn. I felt about the same with a little increased back pain but that was to be expected as my huge ass had not done that much in some time.
J and I went to bed around 10:30. Due to a tear in my abdominal muscles from CJ being huge, raging heartburn from CJ's head trying to come out of my mouth, and killer sciatic pain I had been "sleeping" sitting up for months. So when I was forced to waddle upstairs to our bathroom to pee at 1:30 I was a bit annoyed. I did my business and went back down to our bedroom. After taking 5 minutes to get back in bed and some sort of comfortable I felt like I had leaked a little. I had been peeing my pants at the rate of a slow drip for awhile and wasn't really surprised. Being exhausted I felt my pants to assess whether or not I needed a costume change. Indeed I did. Now incredibly annoyed I grumbled back up the stairs as my dresser had been moved to accommodate CJ's nursery. When I started to climb the stairs I felt more leak out. I was now infuriated. Convinced I lost all control of bowels and would now be house ridden with a diaper until I finally popped. Once I finally got to the bathroom and fluid was running down my legs a contraction hit. I gasped and laughed all in one. Not bothering to even change or go in the bathroom for that matter I ran back downstairs and tried to wake J.
Me: (calm voice) babe....wake up my water broke.
J: Nu uh (rolls over)
Me: No really. My water broke(still calm)
J: Come on.
Me: GET THE FUCK UP! (No longer calm)

J finally got the picture and jumped out of bed. I kept a cool head from there. But the aggravation of trying to wake him while leaking fluid everywhere and having a contraction made me a wee testy.

I paged my OB and we made an attempt to gather what we needed. I had packed my bag the week prior (thank god) but my one thing I was getting the following day was my travel toiletries and pads in case my water broke. Well guess what my water broke and I had no pads. So J brings me a newborn diaper and tells me to make due.
At this point it had been about 20mins since we'd call my OB and no call back. Since we knew I needed a c-section and my fluid has been low the entire pregnancy we decided to head out without waiting.
 The week prior we had made a trip to L&D for decreased fetal movement and monitoring. Everything proved to be fine and the nurse told us that this can happen close to labor but I was only 36 weeks so they didn't want to check me. At that time she asked if we had taken a birthing class and we were scheduled to take it the following day. She proceeded to tell us that it wasn't really worth it if I was having a c-section so we decided to skip it and enjoy the Sunday at home instead. Well apparently at that class they give you a tour telling you where to go if you go into labor at such and such a time. Having been to the hospital 100's of times I figured we had it handled. Wrong. I had never been to their ER, which was located on the back of the building only accessible by driving around the building and not the main entrance. After waddling around for a half hour and me snapping at J twice a random security guard directed us in the right direction.
We made it to the ER and my calm returned. We were admitted and in the room seeing my OB by 3:00. There was one other woman laboring down the hall and was close to pushing. Once she gave birth we would be ready to roll. By 6:00 I was being wheeled into the OR. At this point I had had 5 painful contractions. When they had me prepped for the spinal I was shaking and transitioning. The nurse told the anesthesiologist to hurry before I had my baby breech right there. Within seconds I was down, numb, and nauseous as all hell. Thankfully they were able to give me something for the nausea and it passed. My OB made a comment about how low CJ was and about to come out on his own and then we heard his cry.
Most beautiful sound in the world.
6:41am 7lb 1oz. 19 1/2"

The story doesn't end there but I'm sure your eyes are bleeding at this point.

Birth Story Part Duex to follow.

Birthday

Colton Justen born 11/3/12 7lbs 19" @ 37 weeks. Everyone is happy and healthy. Birth story to follow.

Down The Crapper...

That's where my day went. Our septic clogged leaving this walking full bladder without a pisser and plumbers and septic men in and out of my house all day. All this rambling is my crappy way of explaining my lack of promised  post.
Tomorrow my friends. TOMORROW

Oh Hey....

I'm baaaack! I know. How annoying right? Well my new phone actually allows me to post!! Look out world!
I'm 36.6 weeks with a chubby stubborn boy. Why stubborn? He's friggin breech and insists upon being evicted from my uterus via major abdominal surgery rather than exiting voluntarily like a normal kid.
The fluid level is finally normal and everything seems to be on track for the week of Thanksgiving.
Very fitting that my chubby Nom Nom be born on a day that revolves around food.
I will have a multipart post for your viewing pleasure tomorrow.

The Fluid Conundrum

Still no real answers. My OB is doing yet another ultrasound a week from today. He says that he needs to get me past 24weeks before he can make a true assessment of the situation. No, I did not ask what he meant by that but I'm sure we all get that little sneaking shiver.

:::::::24 weeks:::::::

Hopefully we will really have some answers or plans on Wednesday or I might lose my damn mind.

In the meantime J's sister is about to pop at any minute. She's due Sunday, although she's not looking too positive on the dilated/effaced/dropped prospect. Her other two pregnancies were late so we're anticipating the same with this little nugget.

I have a post formed and ready to go but for now I must pretend to work.

Answers...

We don't really have any!

The amniotic fluid is still low. Not dangerously low but low enough to need monitoring. Unfortunately the first dip tech that did the initial ultrasound didn't measure the level so we don't know if we're dealing with depleting levels or if they are just low and holding.

Still waiting for my OB's plan of attack. I'll try to post as soon as I know.

And by tomorrow I meant more than a week....

Week 23!

Or as we like to call is in the IF community, 1 week from viability! Did you ever say those words to a non-IFer? I said it to J's sister two weeks ago and I'm pretty sure her eyes welled up with sheer pity for my morbid outlook on pregnancy. She's about to pop anyday now so hormones contributed but still...pathetic stare nonetheless.

I'll give you a quick recap of my pregnancy with little Nom-Nom. His nickname is a result of me eating constantly. I prefer to blame my lack of self control on my unborn child's appetite. Anywho....

The neverending SCH finally ended somewhere around week 12. Although I was never cleared to return to normal activity such as sex or lifting more than a gallon of milk, I was able to finally go to the bathroom without having to analyze the color of my TP.

It certaintly wasn't smooth sailing from there as the Braxton Hicks contractions started at about the same time the SCH left. Contractions at 12 weeks are more than ridiculous. Everything you read says it's perfectly normal to have these bad boys and your body is preparing for labor. AT 25 WEEKS!! Ye olde ute was clearly trying to make up for previous failures by overpreparing. Contractions 6 months beforehand are not necessary. Those little buggers took me out of work and on bedrest a few times much to my bosses delight.

You see, there only 5 other employees in my office. All of which have taken turns being pregnant every summer. All of which have had non-high risk perfectly healthy uneventful pregnancies. So when I bellied up to the desk with my list of I can't do this, eat that, or stand there you can imagine the annoyance it brought my annoying boss. Yes, I realized I used that word twice. I hate him.

So far we've had 6 ultrasounds. Number 6 was 5 weeks ago and showed us our beautifully fat little boy. He's measuring two weeks ahead. You should have seen the look on the ultrasound techs face when I told her he was IVF and changing his EDD was not necessary. Everything, including the cervival length that I forced them to measure, looked great. We drove home on cloud 9.

Monday morning my OB called. I didn't even hesitate to give an enthusiatic HELLO! I'm sure the nurse cringed. She started off my giving me a laundry list of what looked good on the ultrasound. I thought it was strange to visit every organ and processes but whatever she was being throrough. Then she said BUT....
There it was. That was the first time EVER I let my gaurd down with test results. What a douche bag.

BUT... the amniotic fluid is low. The ringing in my ears started and I got light headed. I knew damn well that low fluid at 18 weeks was NOT GOOD. She went on to say how they aren't overly concerned because he's a fatty and typically problematic low fluid would be accompied by small measurements. Also they did not see any kidney issues that would be indicitive of low fluid. So they scheduled my 7th ultrasound for tomorrow.

For 5 weeks I've been petrified that I'm leaking. Its 90 flippin' degrees out daily and swass is at an all time high. Therefore so is my panty sniffing. That's right readers! I now not only check for bleeding I have to SMELL my underwear. Why you ask? Amniotic fluid is ordorless. Sweat and pee...not so much. Hopefully tomorrow will put an end to said creeper status and my fluid will be right where it should be.

The alternative goes one of two ways. If my fluid is relatively lower than they would like to see I will be sent to a maternal fetal doc. If my fluid is dangerously low I will be admitted until I deliver. Deliver/my fluid runs out. The last one is obviously terrifying as dangerously low fluid ususally will put you about two weeks from delivery. Tops.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

A Broken Slience

Reason for the crickets?

Fear of jinxing it all.

Where are we at now?

21 weeks with a beautiful boy and low amniotic fluid.

Your regularly scheduled blogging will resume tomorrow.

Thank you to all you who did not stop following my silent blog.

1 <3 you.

Subchorionic Hematomatic Induced Stress Disorder

I didn't think there would be a venture in my life that would be more emotionally trying than infertility. That was supposed to be the depths of hell and everything else was going to be rainbows and unicorn farts.

But true to form my body has decided to take me down a new path that has proven to be more stressful than I could have imagined.

Subchorionic Hematoma

A pocket of blood located between my little buggers placenta and my uterus. This pocket of blood has caused me to bleed and or spot for most of my pregnancy. I have been off and on bed rest and in and out of sanity since my diagnosis on April 1st. No woman should have to experience this must less after battling years of infertility and IVF.

I know no one wants to hear the woe is me post from the now pregnant infertile but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It’s like experiencing the terror of a miscarriage over and over again.

We had an ultrasound yesterday and LB’s (little buggers) heart rate was 153 and measuring perfect. I had been preparing myself for days to get the awful news that this pregnancy had ended but instead I saw LB staring back at me. I'm pretty sure he said, "Still here Ma! Stop all that damn worrying!"(Being my child he will someday end up with a potty mouth. Not a trait I'm proud of but what can ya do.)

Every day is a battle. I wake up with raging morning sickness that continues throughout the day until bed. I'm petrified of vomiting because of the strain it will cause and most likely induce bleeding but I refuse to take anything for it because it's the only thing telling me LB is still growing. So I take deep breaths, gag, and drink ginger ale. Most of my coworkers and my boss already know about the pregnancy because I've had to take so many last minute days off. This in turn adds to my stress. Any woman who has suffered through telling people you are no longer pregnant knows the stress I speak of.

I fear that I'll have some sort of PTSD from all this. Subchorionic Hematomatic Induced Stress Disorder.

32 weeks 2 days.....

Of Course....

Those of us that are part of the miscarriage club have done a particular search on Goo.gle that can only be described as a desparate attempt to retrieve a few stories chronicling a woman whom started to bleed at  such and such weeks pregnant. The story will read that she "bled more than should have been allowed to keep a pregnancy intact but I now have a happy 3 year old running around my computer".

Sunday marked my 5th search for said topic on Goo.gle.

J and I only have one bathroom in our house and we were joking who was going to get to use it first. Really he was just teasing me because he knew I was on my way in there. In the end I won or should I say lost. I sat down and woosh. I instantly became lightheaded and screamed out to J what was happening. He replies with "C'mon babe. You know the Dr. said it was no big deal don't get worked up." J and blood is a pairing that will result in man hitting floor. I gathered myself up, exited the bathroom crying hysterically, and we left for the ER.

They brought me into a room right away and the Dr. showed up within minutes. About a half an hour later she did an exam and told me my cervix was slightly open and she was going to send me for an ultrasound. Meanwhile I had to explain 50 times how I was only 6 weeks and my LMP had nothing to do with it. I always forget that those medical professionals whom are not in the fertility field no jack shit about the fertility field.

I sat in the bed completely numb thinking about who I had to tell that I was no longer pregnant, how long I could take off work, how we were going to have to get J different health insurance, and how I didn't deserve to loose another baby.

The ultrasound tech came in to wheel me down to radiology.

U/S Tech- Is your bladder full? That way I can save you the transvaginal and I'll do the abdominal ultrasound.
Patty- I'm 6 weeks.
U/S Tech - 6 weeks?! My records say 12!
Patty- Shut up

I laid there cursing silently to Mr. Dildocam and how he insists on being a part of my shitty ass fertility journey. After 15 minutes the tech puts away Mr. Dildo and says"I'm not supposed to say anything but there's a heartbeat."

SAY WHAT NOW!?

She wheels me back to our room and J is immediately relieved. I know better. A heart that beats today may not beat tomorrow. I needed facts from the U/S before I felt comfortable with anything. Shortly after we're discharged with all the reports to give to the RE the following morning. As soon as we get in the car I scan the reports for the following:

HCG = 14,065
Heart Rate = 109 bpm
Gestational Age = 6 weeks
Radiologist notes = Fetus measuring small and heartbeat low.

Fuck.

Enter Dr. Goo.gle.

HCG = Normal Range
Heart Rate =  at 6 weeks should be 90-110bpm therefore Normal Range
Gestational Age = Right the hell on.

We're back in the game.

Monday morning all bleeding has stopped and we're off to the RE for u/s duex. This tech was not so gentle with Mr. Dildo and I about kicked her in the eye. Then she told me our little bugger has a heart rate of 110bpm and I offered to carry any of her future children. We met with the RE after and I've been diagnosed with a tiny weeny Subchorionic Hematoma. It measures so small that she only anticipates brown spotting occasionally if anything and hopes it will be even smaller at our next u/s Wednesday April 11th.

This is turning into a crazy ride. Only 34 more weeks.....

Minor Freak Out

Since the positive beta with my less than stellar numbers I've been a little more than anxious. I check my undies like parent potty training a 2 year old. Just waiting to see some sort of sign that this is all a dream and have the hard cold hand of infertility slap me back to my barren reality.

Tuesday night's J plays in an old man hockey league. He also plays Sunday and Thursday and thinks he's in the NHL but that's beside the point. This past Tuesday was the final playoff game to win the championship. J's team was playing his cousins team so the whole family went down to watch. I'm cold all the time so sitting at the rink on a Tuesday night while old man skate around was not this girls top priority. At about 7:45 I took a break from reading Hun.ger Games (yes, I'm that girl) and went to bathroom too drain my bladder that was all too full because I couldn't put my book down. I did my usual TP check which consists of my putting the TP up to the light to check for spotting. I know it's crazy but I can't stop and this time it was there. Spotting. Light brown spotting mixed in with the progesterone gel.

Instantly I began sobbing and sweating. Wiped again and there was still a little brown on the TP. Pulling myself together I went back to the couch put my feet up and started the debate in my head if I should call the RE. For those of you out there thinking, "Why would you even question calling the RE?". After 4 miscarriages I know how that phone call goes. They can't stop a miscarriage and without blood work and ultrasound they have no idea what is going on and going back to my thinking everyone judges me issue I imagine them talking down to me and I couldn't handle that. I think it over for another few minutes realizing that if J were home he would make me call the RE no matter what my excuses were. So I put a call in through their answering service and the RE calls back about 40 minutes later. Thankfully she was very sweet and said all the right things. Well, they were all things I had heard before but she said they would see me right away the next morning for blood work and move up my ultrasound.

The spotting stopped shortly after and there was never any cramping so I felt a little less anxious but my mind kept wandering back to those crappy beta numbers. I was mentally preparing myself to have Wednesday's call back. Where nurse fertile would say unfortunately your numbers are too low to sustain pregnancy at this stage. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Nurse Fertile called back around 1:30 to tell us that my numbers were 4000+. Per my usual emotional breakdowns my ears blocked out the rest of her ramblings. Beta base had already been stalked and I had calculated 2200 keeping me in the viable range so 4000+ definitely made me feel better. Of course we're still not out of the woods. I had a small amount of spotting today when I wiped but seems to have resolved again. Please let it just be from the progesterone gel.
The ultrasound has been moved up to Monday April1st. Just realizing now that's April fool’s Day and that's all I have to say about that little gem.


Keep us in your prayers Monday.

Limbo Bimbo

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but when I'm pregnant I'm an idiot. I know. I know. Eye roll....you're only 5 weeks pregnant. You're just an idiot. But I swear baby brain is real people and it's no joke.

I manage a service and installation company and have been there for 11 years (moonlighted as a veterinary nurse in there too). As of late, I'm pretty sure our customers just assume I'm new. The estrace makes me pretty soft to start but this is just hilarious. I forget what I'm talking about midsentence. My tongue is now too big for my mouth so stuttering is pretty common. My memory was left somewhere in Wal.mart about three weeks ago. I think.

I recently hired two new employees and I cannot even imagine what they must think of me. They probably assume I slept my way through the company and because we're in the 3 month wait limbo I have no explaination for my bimbo behavior. Just wait until I start showing.

Aside from being dumb there aren’t too many pressing matters in my life. Just trying to hold onto this baby for dear life. There hasn't been cramping or spotting. My ta-tas are sore and my nausea is getting worse. I take all those things as a sign that something is continuing to grow in the ole ute but we all know that doesn't mean a heart is beating.

The ultrasound is scheduled for April 5th and I think I may pass out when senior dildocam makes his debut.

 This is more stress than I ever anticipated and here I thought getting knocked up was the hard part.

I'll have you know that the last sentence originally went as follows: "This is more stress than I ever anticipated and here I thought I was getting knocked up with the hard part." Apparently I got knocked up with the soft part. Yes, dirty I know but technically that catheter was soft!

Beta Data

Once again I apologize for my tardiness. We've had a sudden spike of warm weather here in New England and that instantly creates craziness at my workplace.

As you may recall Beta #2 was Tuesday.

As promised I tested Monday night to prepare myself for what was to come. The test came back nice and dark and definately doubley(word? I'm not sure) darker than the previous test from Saturday. Feeling pretty darn confident in my britches I woke the following morning ready to take that beta head on. When the nurse finally called me at 3:30 I was back to nervous and ready for bad news as usual. Immediately I hear in her voice that it's good news and she then says "I have GREAT news!"(This particular nurse is super sweet unlike nurse Fertile with her 10 kids whom is quite cold)"Your beta number came back within normal range, 170." She proceeded to blab about continuing my meds and ultrasounds but I had completely blocked her out at that point.

What do you mean 170 is great news?! My first beta was Saturday with a 67.9. Second beta was Tuesday with a 170. A good number would have been 200 or above. Not a little more than doubled. Am I right here girlies? Appartenly my Dr.'s office only does betas every 72hours and only expects to see doubling.

I keep telling myself  that they are one of the top RE offices in the country and obviously they know what works. But all the RE wanna be's on Dr. Google go on and on about doubling every 48 hrs. Speaking of....how freaking annoying is that when you google betas the majority of stories are woman concerned about twins? Argh gag me.

So I always expected, with each hurtle cleared more anxiety rises up against me. I wish I could just be a pregnant fertile person ignorantly telling everyone I'm 5wks pregnant on Saturday. Making an official FB post. Oh well. No more betas for this girl and our first ultrasound will be sometime after April 5th. They are calling to schedule it today.

On the plus side no more spotting and cramping just comes and goes which I've now told myself is normal. Just taking it one day at a time here folks.

Answer is not the Answer

Let's start off with my sincere apologies for my sudden absence. My work computer bit the big one and for some reason my phone does not let me post. I've been chomping at the bit to fill you all in.

Yes, I'm about to get on with it.

6dp5dt + Brown Spotting = evening anger and tears.

7dp5dt at approximately 5am Patty wakes with new renewed hope that it was old implantation blood making its way out and she should test right now with one of the two Answers calling her name. Much to her surprise. Nothing. Big Mutha F'in Negativo. Got back in bed and shed some serious pillow tears. Back up around 7:00am walk into the bathroom cursing the stupid crinone that still has to be squirted in the plumbing for what was clearly no freaking reason now because was definately not pregnant. While tossing the applicator in the trash catch a glimpse of the evil 5am stick. Like a true infertile made the decision(with pants still down and ass on the throne)to reach into the trash and check it one last time.


Positive.

Not a squinter. Not one you have to post and say "it's pink in real life, I SWEAR!", but straight up positive.

This starts crazy person tears of joy and continues while one stands outside with the dogs for their morning poop. My backyard is being torn up at the moment so there is no fence and we have neighbors at all angles. I'm 100% sure I was spotted and deamed the town drunk.

9dp5dt + Beta Day = 2am Peeing on a stick

Test is definately lighter. Again pillow soaker and no sleep for the rest of night morning. Cannot believe that I fell for my ute's old tricks once again. Of course she would kick out anything trying to make a little temporary home for 9 months because she's a selfish teenager and doesn't want to share her room. Up at 6am to get ready for beta that I don't need because I'm having a stupid chemical. Shed more tears while getting ready to get in the shower. You know what's next.....reaches into trash......DARKER!!!! What in the hell is going on.

Beta day 12:30pm nurse calls to stay we have a positive test with a number of 67.9. They like to see it between 50-100 so we're looking good. Call J 15 times before I finally get him and am able to tell him the good news.

5:30pm lower back ache and nagging achey feeling in thighs. These are usually my telltale AF signs. Aches continue until bed. This morning my thighs and hips are aching but the back has stopped. No spotting since 6dp5dt.

Sorry that was exhausting I'm sure. Long story short, second beta is Tuesday and I'll be testing that morning or Monday night but not until then. I will never ever use an Answer test again.

Thank you all for checking in and leaving your support. I'm still a mess 98% of the time. I'm trying my hardest to remain as optimistic as possible. It is awful how infertility makes one so jaded.

                                        There's a 67.9 line. Way to go 5 days early Answer test

Transfer Day

Better late than never right?

Let's start by saying that a 5:00pm transfer both sucks and blows proves beneficial. The sucky part was obviously waiting all.damn.day. I had convinced myself that they were going to call us at any point and say the Bros had arrested and we were donzo but they didn't. The beneficial part was coming home at 7:00pm and sleeping off the Val all night without worrying about moving around.

We got to the clinic an hour early for my acupuncture appointment. I have heard sooo many good things about acupuncture. The relaxation, increased blood flow, and all around Zen experience. I hated it. I cannot turn my brain off and lie there for 25 minutes, especially not before my transfer. I was positioned on my stomach with my face in that little hole at the head of the table. I can only imagine that is what birth feels like to a baby. Far from comfortable. Also the fact that needles were poking in my body made me not want to move for fear that I would send one piercing through a nerve somewhere. I laid there rigid for 25 minutes. Not my idea of relaxing. Next time maybe a pre-transfer massage. I think I could get into that.

So after the poking session I took my Val. and was whisked away to the surgery suite to wait for it to kick in. That shit is f'awesome. I completely recommend it. I've never felt so relaxed in my life and it reduced my cramping afterward to nothing. So while that was in full effect the embryologist came over to tell us what we had in the Bro department. Two perfect blasts with one hatching. I made him tell me twice. I giggled and clapped (thank you Val). J was a wee bit embarrassed but whatev. Everything went off without a hitch.

Until Saturday.

My biggest fear through this whole process was that I would start AF. As you may recall my lining was initially too thin resulting in an up in meds and an additional week taking said meds. AF was due Saturday and with her due date came my typical 'you’re going to have your period in 4 days' cramps. Naturally I’m a nut case and checking me undies every 15 minutes just waiting for her to show up. I pray the meds keep her at bay long enough for these little buggers to implant but I’m terrified.

Send some good vibes this way that AF never ever shows her bitch face again.

My beta is St. Patty's Day. Sticks with our green theme nicely!

Thank you ladies so much for all your support. It really does mean so much to me, you have no idea.

Who needs lettuce when they make green doughnuts?! NOM NOM NOM

Green With Hope

Yesterday was a looooong excruciating 24 hrs. It actually started Monday night when the intense anxiety set in. I know big shocker.

When I had my appt with Dr. T she took a look at how many ice Bros we still had. She must have went through the info10 times and  kept writing things down to keep track which made me think she wasn't entirely sure what the hell we had. Her conclusion was 4 day3 embryos and 2 day5 blasts. I didn't want to be that patient that says, "Are you sure that's what we have?"(que annoying patronizing voice) so I just let it go. Her plan was to culture out the day3 embryos to blast and transfer two blasts. Since our embabies tend to do the kiver between days 3 & 5 that will at least "use up" what we have. Well that appt was months ago and the anxiety about the number only came up in brief fleeting thoughts, that is until Monday night. My stomach was pissed, my head hurt, and my teeth were clenched so tight that I now have huge biceps on the side of my face.

Nurse Fertile said the clinic would call Tuesday with the thaw/fertilization report and give us a transfer time. Luckily, we're remodeling one of the rooms at work so I dove into gallons of paint and DIY projects to keep myself busy. But when the clinic still hadn't called at 3:00 I was getting uppity. I told myself that if there was an issue they would have called first thing in the a.m. and the delay was a good thing. By 3:30 my rationale had gone out the window and I was jumping in my car to make the phone call from home because I was convinced we had nothing to transfer and wasn't about to have a mental breakdown at work. After what felt like an hour drive (only 15mins) I pulled in my driveway and called the clinic. One of the nurses said that were just making the phone calls now with the times but she would see if it was in the computer. All of our other 154 transfers have been between the hours of 9am-1pm. Tomorrow's transfer.....5:00pm. Say what now?! About 30mins later another nurse called with that same time and my instructions.

I didn't have the courage to ask her what the Bros were looking like and how many we had to transfer. I've decided to get that information after I take my Vali.um. That way I can just smile and say, "Until next time Nurse Fertile!" while J and I skip out into that parking lot.

My biggest fear is that we get there and they say, "Well we hoped this wouldn't be the case but they didn't make it. We wanted to give you a late transfer time to give them more of a chance and then meet with your Dr."

Yes, I am completely aware how crazy that is. If I wasn't such chicken shit I would just ask what was going on but no, I can't do that either. That's too definitive. It's way easier to be ignorant.

 So tomorrow J and I are going take a walk with the pups to pass the time until the transfer. It's over an hour drive and I have to be there for 4:00 for my acupuncture so we'll be leaving a little before 3:00. Leaves a lot of thinking time, which is never good for Patty.

I've been told that green is the color of fertility so tomorrow J's sisters and myself will be doning green nails and clothes for fertile vibes.

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. Hopefully our 3 years of bad luck has ended.

Fatty Boomba Patty

This is the typical time in a cycle where I get totally crazy with my body image and I know that but I'm still not used to it.

115

That is what I weighed when I started dating J. No way in hell am I putting down today's pounder. How did this happen? One day I could sit down in a bikini and be totally comfortable then BAM the muffin man is living in my jeans!

What is going to happen if this infertile ever gets knocked up? Will J need to wheel me around in a barrel? Will I have my own TCL program...600lb barren woman?

I eat the same way I always have and yes I know I'm 6 years older but what in Fat Albert's name is going on??

At this point in the FET the bloating is amazing. A girl always likes her body just a little more in the morning. Everything seems a little smaller in the waist region. Not this water retaining faux menopausal mess. I look like I just ate a Big Ma.c before I crawled out of bed.

NOM! NOM! NOM! Two all-beef patties, lettuce, pickles, onions, special sauce, all on my big fat bun!

Have any of you gained weight since starting fertility treatments?

If you're contemplating leaving a comment about how you lost weight while on fertility treatments please leave your address under your comment so I can pay you a personal visit. ::::::rolls eyes to the point of ocular discomfort::::