The Fluid Conundrum

Still no real answers. My OB is doing yet another ultrasound a week from today. He says that he needs to get me past 24weeks before he can make a true assessment of the situation. No, I did not ask what he meant by that but I'm sure we all get that little sneaking shiver.

:::::::24 weeks:::::::

Hopefully we will really have some answers or plans on Wednesday or I might lose my damn mind.

In the meantime J's sister is about to pop at any minute. She's due Sunday, although she's not looking too positive on the dilated/effaced/dropped prospect. Her other two pregnancies were late so we're anticipating the same with this little nugget.

I have a post formed and ready to go but for now I must pretend to work.

Answers...

We don't really have any!

The amniotic fluid is still low. Not dangerously low but low enough to need monitoring. Unfortunately the first dip tech that did the initial ultrasound didn't measure the level so we don't know if we're dealing with depleting levels or if they are just low and holding.

Still waiting for my OB's plan of attack. I'll try to post as soon as I know.

And by tomorrow I meant more than a week....

Week 23!

Or as we like to call is in the IF community, 1 week from viability! Did you ever say those words to a non-IFer? I said it to J's sister two weeks ago and I'm pretty sure her eyes welled up with sheer pity for my morbid outlook on pregnancy. She's about to pop anyday now so hormones contributed but still...pathetic stare nonetheless.

I'll give you a quick recap of my pregnancy with little Nom-Nom. His nickname is a result of me eating constantly. I prefer to blame my lack of self control on my unborn child's appetite. Anywho....

The neverending SCH finally ended somewhere around week 12. Although I was never cleared to return to normal activity such as sex or lifting more than a gallon of milk, I was able to finally go to the bathroom without having to analyze the color of my TP.

It certaintly wasn't smooth sailing from there as the Braxton Hicks contractions started at about the same time the SCH left. Contractions at 12 weeks are more than ridiculous. Everything you read says it's perfectly normal to have these bad boys and your body is preparing for labor. AT 25 WEEKS!! Ye olde ute was clearly trying to make up for previous failures by overpreparing. Contractions 6 months beforehand are not necessary. Those little buggers took me out of work and on bedrest a few times much to my bosses delight.

You see, there only 5 other employees in my office. All of which have taken turns being pregnant every summer. All of which have had non-high risk perfectly healthy uneventful pregnancies. So when I bellied up to the desk with my list of I can't do this, eat that, or stand there you can imagine the annoyance it brought my annoying boss. Yes, I realized I used that word twice. I hate him.

So far we've had 6 ultrasounds. Number 6 was 5 weeks ago and showed us our beautifully fat little boy. He's measuring two weeks ahead. You should have seen the look on the ultrasound techs face when I told her he was IVF and changing his EDD was not necessary. Everything, including the cervival length that I forced them to measure, looked great. We drove home on cloud 9.

Monday morning my OB called. I didn't even hesitate to give an enthusiatic HELLO! I'm sure the nurse cringed. She started off my giving me a laundry list of what looked good on the ultrasound. I thought it was strange to visit every organ and processes but whatever she was being throrough. Then she said BUT....
There it was. That was the first time EVER I let my gaurd down with test results. What a douche bag.

BUT... the amniotic fluid is low. The ringing in my ears started and I got light headed. I knew damn well that low fluid at 18 weeks was NOT GOOD. She went on to say how they aren't overly concerned because he's a fatty and typically problematic low fluid would be accompied by small measurements. Also they did not see any kidney issues that would be indicitive of low fluid. So they scheduled my 7th ultrasound for tomorrow.

For 5 weeks I've been petrified that I'm leaking. Its 90 flippin' degrees out daily and swass is at an all time high. Therefore so is my panty sniffing. That's right readers! I now not only check for bleeding I have to SMELL my underwear. Why you ask? Amniotic fluid is ordorless. Sweat and pee...not so much. Hopefully tomorrow will put an end to said creeper status and my fluid will be right where it should be.

The alternative goes one of two ways. If my fluid is relatively lower than they would like to see I will be sent to a maternal fetal doc. If my fluid is dangerously low I will be admitted until I deliver. Deliver/my fluid runs out. The last one is obviously terrifying as dangerously low fluid ususally will put you about two weeks from delivery. Tops.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

A Broken Slience

Reason for the crickets?

Fear of jinxing it all.

Where are we at now?

21 weeks with a beautiful boy and low amniotic fluid.

Your regularly scheduled blogging will resume tomorrow.

Thank you to all you who did not stop following my silent blog.

1 <3 you.

Subchorionic Hematomatic Induced Stress Disorder

I didn't think there would be a venture in my life that would be more emotionally trying than infertility. That was supposed to be the depths of hell and everything else was going to be rainbows and unicorn farts.

But true to form my body has decided to take me down a new path that has proven to be more stressful than I could have imagined.

Subchorionic Hematoma

A pocket of blood located between my little buggers placenta and my uterus. This pocket of blood has caused me to bleed and or spot for most of my pregnancy. I have been off and on bed rest and in and out of sanity since my diagnosis on April 1st. No woman should have to experience this must less after battling years of infertility and IVF.

I know no one wants to hear the woe is me post from the now pregnant infertile but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It’s like experiencing the terror of a miscarriage over and over again.

We had an ultrasound yesterday and LB’s (little buggers) heart rate was 153 and measuring perfect. I had been preparing myself for days to get the awful news that this pregnancy had ended but instead I saw LB staring back at me. I'm pretty sure he said, "Still here Ma! Stop all that damn worrying!"(Being my child he will someday end up with a potty mouth. Not a trait I'm proud of but what can ya do.)

Every day is a battle. I wake up with raging morning sickness that continues throughout the day until bed. I'm petrified of vomiting because of the strain it will cause and most likely induce bleeding but I refuse to take anything for it because it's the only thing telling me LB is still growing. So I take deep breaths, gag, and drink ginger ale. Most of my coworkers and my boss already know about the pregnancy because I've had to take so many last minute days off. This in turn adds to my stress. Any woman who has suffered through telling people you are no longer pregnant knows the stress I speak of.

I fear that I'll have some sort of PTSD from all this. Subchorionic Hematomatic Induced Stress Disorder.

32 weeks 2 days.....

Of Course....

Those of us that are part of the miscarriage club have done a particular search on Goo.gle that can only be described as a desparate attempt to retrieve a few stories chronicling a woman whom started to bleed at  such and such weeks pregnant. The story will read that she "bled more than should have been allowed to keep a pregnancy intact but I now have a happy 3 year old running around my computer".

Sunday marked my 5th search for said topic on Goo.gle.

J and I only have one bathroom in our house and we were joking who was going to get to use it first. Really he was just teasing me because he knew I was on my way in there. In the end I won or should I say lost. I sat down and woosh. I instantly became lightheaded and screamed out to J what was happening. He replies with "C'mon babe. You know the Dr. said it was no big deal don't get worked up." J and blood is a pairing that will result in man hitting floor. I gathered myself up, exited the bathroom crying hysterically, and we left for the ER.

They brought me into a room right away and the Dr. showed up within minutes. About a half an hour later she did an exam and told me my cervix was slightly open and she was going to send me for an ultrasound. Meanwhile I had to explain 50 times how I was only 6 weeks and my LMP had nothing to do with it. I always forget that those medical professionals whom are not in the fertility field no jack shit about the fertility field.

I sat in the bed completely numb thinking about who I had to tell that I was no longer pregnant, how long I could take off work, how we were going to have to get J different health insurance, and how I didn't deserve to loose another baby.

The ultrasound tech came in to wheel me down to radiology.

U/S Tech- Is your bladder full? That way I can save you the transvaginal and I'll do the abdominal ultrasound.
Patty- I'm 6 weeks.
U/S Tech - 6 weeks?! My records say 12!
Patty- Shut up

I laid there cursing silently to Mr. Dildocam and how he insists on being a part of my shitty ass fertility journey. After 15 minutes the tech puts away Mr. Dildo and says"I'm not supposed to say anything but there's a heartbeat."

SAY WHAT NOW!?

She wheels me back to our room and J is immediately relieved. I know better. A heart that beats today may not beat tomorrow. I needed facts from the U/S before I felt comfortable with anything. Shortly after we're discharged with all the reports to give to the RE the following morning. As soon as we get in the car I scan the reports for the following:

HCG = 14,065
Heart Rate = 109 bpm
Gestational Age = 6 weeks
Radiologist notes = Fetus measuring small and heartbeat low.

Fuck.

Enter Dr. Goo.gle.

HCG = Normal Range
Heart Rate =  at 6 weeks should be 90-110bpm therefore Normal Range
Gestational Age = Right the hell on.

We're back in the game.

Monday morning all bleeding has stopped and we're off to the RE for u/s duex. This tech was not so gentle with Mr. Dildo and I about kicked her in the eye. Then she told me our little bugger has a heart rate of 110bpm and I offered to carry any of her future children. We met with the RE after and I've been diagnosed with a tiny weeny Subchorionic Hematoma. It measures so small that she only anticipates brown spotting occasionally if anything and hopes it will be even smaller at our next u/s Wednesday April 11th.

This is turning into a crazy ride. Only 34 more weeks.....

Minor Freak Out

Since the positive beta with my less than stellar numbers I've been a little more than anxious. I check my undies like parent potty training a 2 year old. Just waiting to see some sort of sign that this is all a dream and have the hard cold hand of infertility slap me back to my barren reality.

Tuesday night's J plays in an old man hockey league. He also plays Sunday and Thursday and thinks he's in the NHL but that's beside the point. This past Tuesday was the final playoff game to win the championship. J's team was playing his cousins team so the whole family went down to watch. I'm cold all the time so sitting at the rink on a Tuesday night while old man skate around was not this girls top priority. At about 7:45 I took a break from reading Hun.ger Games (yes, I'm that girl) and went to bathroom too drain my bladder that was all too full because I couldn't put my book down. I did my usual TP check which consists of my putting the TP up to the light to check for spotting. I know it's crazy but I can't stop and this time it was there. Spotting. Light brown spotting mixed in with the progesterone gel.

Instantly I began sobbing and sweating. Wiped again and there was still a little brown on the TP. Pulling myself together I went back to the couch put my feet up and started the debate in my head if I should call the RE. For those of you out there thinking, "Why would you even question calling the RE?". After 4 miscarriages I know how that phone call goes. They can't stop a miscarriage and without blood work and ultrasound they have no idea what is going on and going back to my thinking everyone judges me issue I imagine them talking down to me and I couldn't handle that. I think it over for another few minutes realizing that if J were home he would make me call the RE no matter what my excuses were. So I put a call in through their answering service and the RE calls back about 40 minutes later. Thankfully she was very sweet and said all the right things. Well, they were all things I had heard before but she said they would see me right away the next morning for blood work and move up my ultrasound.

The spotting stopped shortly after and there was never any cramping so I felt a little less anxious but my mind kept wandering back to those crappy beta numbers. I was mentally preparing myself to have Wednesday's call back. Where nurse fertile would say unfortunately your numbers are too low to sustain pregnancy at this stage. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Nurse Fertile called back around 1:30 to tell us that my numbers were 4000+. Per my usual emotional breakdowns my ears blocked out the rest of her ramblings. Beta base had already been stalked and I had calculated 2200 keeping me in the viable range so 4000+ definitely made me feel better. Of course we're still not out of the woods. I had a small amount of spotting today when I wiped but seems to have resolved again. Please let it just be from the progesterone gel.
The ultrasound has been moved up to Monday April1st. Just realizing now that's April fool’s Day and that's all I have to say about that little gem.


Keep us in your prayers Monday.