Baby Blues...

The term 'Baby Blues' refers to a period after birth where the mother feels a little down for a few days to a week.

I think the time line there is a load of crap but anywho.

My mood aired more on the side of depression. To be perfectly honest I was not the least bit surprised. I have been battling anxiety since I was about 8 years old and had always planned to resume medication upon giving birth. See my anxiety is purely chemical rather than situational. Panic attacks come after large meals, naps (not something I'm a fan of anyway), and hangovers (as if they aren't pleasurable enough). Oh not to mention every friggin time my milk would let down! Something about my sugar levels triggers anxiety for me. I've made diet changes that allow them to be less frequent but when I was pregnant and tossing hormones around along with a different diet I was having panic attacks 5-6 times a day. It was a blast let me tell you. I've always been able to calm myself down and have them pass quickly but a pukey fall over feeling is not something I want to "work out" all day long.

Well once CJ made his big exit from Ye Old Ute and into the world I was flooded with guilt about taking medication while breastfeeding. So I made the decision to fight through it and get back on it when I was finished nursing. Riiiiiiiight

I. Was. A. Mess.

No, I never had thoughts of harming myself or my CJ. I just cried and snapped at J. A lot. I would bite his head off all day and then cry buckets when he would leave for work.

Due to low milk supply I was breastfeeding, bottle feeding, and pumping. CJ being a slow eater and eating every 2 hours I was sleeping in half hour increments. Screw hormones that would drive anyone crazy.

Needless to say 7 weeks after birth marked the return to my anxiety medication. Let me tell you people I felt/feel like a new woman.

For those moms out there that have battled postpartum depression or anxiety please DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad about getting help or medication. I don’t feel like I was ever not a good mom to CJ but now I know I'm the best mom I can be for him. I finally feel like myself and not so overwhelmed.

There's a side to childbirth and those first few weeks that everyone seems to sugar coat making new moms feel like they are alone or different. Yes, everyone's experience is different but no one’s experience goes without its lows. Everyone talks about the initial joy but no one talks about the disconnect that follows. No one tells you that the bonding grows WITH TIME and then becomes so strong you could burst. You become a mother when that second line appears but you become a MOM the first time you realize you know exactly what he needs without thinking about it and that takes time.

In the end you won’t you remember how hard the first few weeks may have been. You’ll remember the first time he smiled at you or when he instantly stopped crying when reaching your arms. It’s then that it all makes sense.

Congrats are in order!

Just wanted to congratulate a fellow IFer whose been in the trenches far too long. LisaB, I'm over the moon for you and Andy!! For some reason your blog won't let me comment so I just wanted you to know how happy I am for you both!
Send Lisa  some love. She's been through hell and back! 

Birth Story Part Duex...

6:41 a.m. our grueling fertility journey finally had a meaning.
CJ was crying like a champ on the scale and being looked over by the pediatric nurse. Life was good. We got to hold our little nugget for awhile as the sealed my innards back into place.
 As they started wheeling me back to the recovery room I began to notice a wee bit of discomfort in my incision area. Assuming this was normal I ignored it and continued to stare at my little creation. That is until about 15 minutes later when I was convulsing in pain. Guess what folks?! I'm one of the lucky ladies who does not feel the effects of morphine! Fuck me.
They quickly took CJ to the nursery and began scrambling for a new type of pain management, BEFORE I DIED! I have no idea how long this went on before the pain stopped. All I remember is hearing a nurse come in and tell the other nurse CJ was hungry and ask if I could breastfeed to which the nurse replied no. Then nurse A said she was going to have to give him a bottle to which I promptly screamed no. They brought him to me and he latched immediately while I lay there delirious. Some hours later I was being wheeled to my room hopped up on whatever and feeling grrreat!
The nurse came in with CJ so I could nurse again. This time he seemed to throw his latching skills out the window and was using my nips as a teething ring. By the time the lactation consultant came in the damage was done. The pain continued until they healed about two weeks later. But my breastfeeding is a post in and of itself
By the second day jaundice was a word that was being thrown around. We began breastfeeding and supplementing with formula. All to no avail. The jaundice continued to win the battle and my baby was glowing. CJ had date with the tanning bed and we were only allowed to have him every three hours for 20 minutes to feed. I cried every single he went back and went down to the nursery every hour and half just to look at him.
By day four CJ was kicking jaundice ass. We were finally able to leave the next day. Totaling five days in the hospital.
I was still a hurting unit but I had a bottle full of perco.cet and was ready to bring my boy home.

Titles to come:
My Utters...
Baby Blues?
What they don't tell you...

I know your excited!

A birth story....

I'm ridiculous. I know. Time is just passing and adding weeks and months from my last post. But I'm going to try my hardest to get back on track.

November 3rd, 2012, 37 weeks pregnant,marked my first official day off of 5 weeks of bed rest. It now marks the day Colton Justen came into the world.

The day prior to my release from the hell that is bed rest(due to preterm labor, which I'll explain more in my next post) I decided one day will not make a bit of difference and got all of my loose ends tied. Car inspection, errands all over town, grocery shopping, laundry, and our toilet/septic had issues so we had plumbers in and out all day. By the time I was at my last destination, getting new phones at the Ver.izon store, I was cramping like none other. But I really didn't think much of it. I'd been in preterm labor for 5 weeks and was pretty used to contractions. We finished business and got some dinner at Chilly's. I had some spicy salad which was  delish and we headed home to catch a movie. I then proceeded to eat Rees.ses, sour patch kid.s, and popcorn. I felt about the same with a little increased back pain but that was to be expected as my huge ass had not done that much in some time.
J and I went to bed around 10:30. Due to a tear in my abdominal muscles from CJ being huge, raging heartburn from CJ's head trying to come out of my mouth, and killer sciatic pain I had been "sleeping" sitting up for months. So when I was forced to waddle upstairs to our bathroom to pee at 1:30 I was a bit annoyed. I did my business and went back down to our bedroom. After taking 5 minutes to get back in bed and some sort of comfortable I felt like I had leaked a little. I had been peeing my pants at the rate of a slow drip for awhile and wasn't really surprised. Being exhausted I felt my pants to assess whether or not I needed a costume change. Indeed I did. Now incredibly annoyed I grumbled back up the stairs as my dresser had been moved to accommodate CJ's nursery. When I started to climb the stairs I felt more leak out. I was now infuriated. Convinced I lost all control of bowels and would now be house ridden with a diaper until I finally popped. Once I finally got to the bathroom and fluid was running down my legs a contraction hit. I gasped and laughed all in one. Not bothering to even change or go in the bathroom for that matter I ran back downstairs and tried to wake J.
Me: (calm voice) babe....wake up my water broke.
J: Nu uh (rolls over)
Me: No really. My water broke(still calm)
J: Come on.
Me: GET THE FUCK UP! (No longer calm)

J finally got the picture and jumped out of bed. I kept a cool head from there. But the aggravation of trying to wake him while leaking fluid everywhere and having a contraction made me a wee testy.

I paged my OB and we made an attempt to gather what we needed. I had packed my bag the week prior (thank god) but my one thing I was getting the following day was my travel toiletries and pads in case my water broke. Well guess what my water broke and I had no pads. So J brings me a newborn diaper and tells me to make due.
At this point it had been about 20mins since we'd call my OB and no call back. Since we knew I needed a c-section and my fluid has been low the entire pregnancy we decided to head out without waiting.
 The week prior we had made a trip to L&D for decreased fetal movement and monitoring. Everything proved to be fine and the nurse told us that this can happen close to labor but I was only 36 weeks so they didn't want to check me. At that time she asked if we had taken a birthing class and we were scheduled to take it the following day. She proceeded to tell us that it wasn't really worth it if I was having a c-section so we decided to skip it and enjoy the Sunday at home instead. Well apparently at that class they give you a tour telling you where to go if you go into labor at such and such a time. Having been to the hospital 100's of times I figured we had it handled. Wrong. I had never been to their ER, which was located on the back of the building only accessible by driving around the building and not the main entrance. After waddling around for a half hour and me snapping at J twice a random security guard directed us in the right direction.
We made it to the ER and my calm returned. We were admitted and in the room seeing my OB by 3:00. There was one other woman laboring down the hall and was close to pushing. Once she gave birth we would be ready to roll. By 6:00 I was being wheeled into the OR. At this point I had had 5 painful contractions. When they had me prepped for the spinal I was shaking and transitioning. The nurse told the anesthesiologist to hurry before I had my baby breech right there. Within seconds I was down, numb, and nauseous as all hell. Thankfully they were able to give me something for the nausea and it passed. My OB made a comment about how low CJ was and about to come out on his own and then we heard his cry.
Most beautiful sound in the world.
6:41am 7lb 1oz. 19 1/2"

The story doesn't end there but I'm sure your eyes are bleeding at this point.

Birth Story Part Duex to follow.