Monday, February 27, 2012

Doesn't The Universe Know I'm Crazy...

 I know you all have been checking daily for a new and always interesting post from yours truly and have been let down. Well let-downs are a dime a dozen these days so here's a few more.

Wednesday I received a letter from my clinic letting us know that we owe $780.00 in storage fees for our frozen embryos/blasts. A fee that is to only be incurred should our snow babies remain in "storage" for a year. February makes one year since we started IVF, but by no means are those same snow babies the ones that remain on ice today. They were procured 4 months ago in October. I plan to address the matter but not until after the transfer.

Saturday was spent with the stomach flu starting at about 5am. The dreaded Little Blue Pills already cause 24/7 pukey so the flu was just spectacular. A real one for the text books. J had an alumni hockey game against an old high school rival that he's been excited about since he graduated 12 years ago and I had to miss it. After the game, all of our friends met at a local bar for it's final night as its closing. I warmed the couch by watched Dawn, Some.thing Borrowed, and 10 episodes of Big Theo.ry. J then was dropped off feeling more than a little relaxed which lead to mio sleeping in our spare bedroom due to the smell of alcohol on his breath making me want to suffocate him in his sleep. The mattress in the spare bedroom sucks eggs therefore I slept like crap.

Sunday morning I was up at 6am for blood work and ultrasound after no sleep and puking the day before. I get there and sign in and since I go to a satellite office of my fertility clinic and not the main office they bring in an agency on weekends to do our ultrasounds. We have the option of going to the main office but it’s over an hour for me and I'm all set with that on a Sunday morning. So anywho, I sign in and sit down. There is one other woman already in the waiting room and a few couples file in after me. The tech comes out and calls a name that is neither the woman whom was waiting before me nor myself but rather a woman whom came in after me. Right there I knew this was going to take longer than necessary. So now we're going out of order and the tech is taking an ungodly amount of time to complete each ultrasound. We're talking like 30 mins each. I don't care if the woman had 40 follicles it does not take that long. This is coming from a woman who usually has over 20 and it’s never taken more than 10 mins start to finish. Finally she calls me back and tells me she's unable to sign into the system and is entering everything by hand so that's the reason for the delay. Well ok then, I can't blame the woman for that. She does my ultrasound and tells me everything looks fantastic and best of luck on Friday.

 The blood work is done at yet another site so I jump in my car and rush over there. I check in at the front desk and the phlebotomist proceeds to tell me that the currier has already come. I, of course, stare back at her with my best 'Are you fucking kidding me?!' look. She then says she'll call another but my blood work will be late. Ok then, were you just telling me to reprimand me for being late? I then told her that she better tell the currier that there will be more to follow because tech slowsky is having issues and there were more people to come.

At about noon, which is way earlier than my clinic ever calls and therefore my blood work was by no means 'late', a nurse calls with my instructions. Turns out tech slowsky doesn't know shit about shit and my lining is too thin for transfer. This NEVER happens. My lining is always thicker than necessary, so WTF!? They are upping the Little Blue Pills to 3x/day. Holy crap on a cracker. I'm going to have to go on short term disability for this.

I know what you're thinking. "A little over dramatic aren't we?" NO! We are not.

When I tell you I’m barely a functioning human being on a twice-a-day regimen I mean I don't do much more than cry, gag, complain, puke, and sleep. Three times a day may cause termination from my job, eviction from my home, and loss of all human contact. Ok, so maybe that was a little dramatic but c'mon (super whining).

I'm also afraid that AF won't hold out long enough for these little guys to implant. I put a call into my clinic this morning to see if they will prescribe a loading dose of progesterone. It's a one time high dose suppository to get a lot on board in a short amount of time and then I take my regular crinone right after it. My Dr. did it with my first cycle but for some reason never repeated it.

Have any of you ladies been told your lining was too thin and had to prolong your meds? Did your AF hold out as it should have?

It just blows my mind how the universe works. I'm a firm believer in 'you get what you give' and I feel like I’m putting out a serious amount of effort here and getting kicked back!

It doesn't help that I'm getting the same response at my job either.

Recently my boss has begun to micromanage certain aspects of my work. Now when I say micromanage I mean having his GIRLFRIEND proof read my work!! Can you EFFIN believe that!? The kicker is that he knows it pisses me off so he constantly apologizes for it. I'm assuming it has more to do with his personal life than my actual work because he tends to be a mussy when it comes to his relationships. (Mussy? Figure it out.) He is currently still married to his wife of 30 years and supports her, his girlfriend, and another home because he's afraid of confrontation with them. Mussy is the only appropriate word.

Doesn't the universe realize I'm crazy right now and have no desire to learn life's lessons of patience and virtues? Just allow me to learn the oldest lesson....procreation.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


It all started with this post by SIF. Please do not get me wrong here; this is by NO MEANS her fault. Her opinions are hers and hers alone but they for some reason set off something in my head that I can't turn off. Something that I'm not entirely sure has much of anything to do with what she wrote.

I think you'll better be able to follow my crazy train by visiting Kara's post over at unaffected.

Since reading those posts I've developed this crippling fear. A fear that my body is not meant to carry a child. It is my assumption that this fear has been lying dormant as a result of years of IF treatments and too many loses.

Still I can't seem to shake the dread that I will carry a baby to the point where we finally feel comfortable telling people (most likely 15wks) and then suffer a great loss after that point. Something I never even heard of happening IRL until joining the IF community.

But what the hell do you do with this fear? This nagging fear. I would never bring it up to J. He doesn't deserve to have such awful thoughts to dwell on.

Faith is my only alternative at this point. Faith I do have.

But the old adage that you will never be given more than you can handle rings in my ears.

Well IVF was something I never thought I could handle and IVF I was given.

I keep telling God that I can't handle that. That He need not show me that I have the strength for it because the strength will come at too great a price.

Anxiety is an ugly feeling.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Back To Me

As if a blog chronicling one's life isn't narcissistic enough I figured I would form an  "About Me" post in bullets. I know you're so excited that you cannot wait to scroll down. Here we go folks!

  • I'm an only child. People often tell me that they never would have guessed this. I'm not sure if this is something people say to only children to avoid the horrible only-child meltdowns they've heard about or if I’m truly a well-adjusted human being.
  • Both my Mom and Dad are homosexual. This is something they decided to come to terms with after having me although they did not clue me in until later in life. I'm close to my Mom but no longer speak to my Dad (for reasons having nothing to do with his sexual preferences, just to clarify).
  • I love crazy socks. Not so much the socks with toes but holiday socks and socks with cats and dogs on them etc. Friends will randomly pick them up for me and I rarely wear plain white ones. I can only imagine this makes whomever is performing my Mr. Wandy appointments think that I'm merely a donor trying to get money for college.
  • J and I love movies. But I have a very hard time sitting still. I make him pause it at least 4 times during a movie and I get up in between pauses to do quick things. It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but if the shoe were on the other foot I know I would freak.
  • I used to be a veterinary nurse but left after losing our baby in '09. I worked in a shelter doing primarily surgery and was no longer comfortable with being exposed to anesthesia while TTC.
  • When I met J I had been in a relationship for 7 years, was about to get engaged, and buy a house. I knew the second I met J I would be with him for the rest of my life and ended my other relationship immediately.
  • We have 2 German Shepherds and a cat. I desperately want a three legged animal but have not yet been presented with an opportunity.
  • My dream in life (in terms of career) is to own and operate an elderly home for geriatric animals. That way pet owners whose animals become incontinent, need medications, or are unable to get around can allow them to live their lives with 24 hour care and can visit them whenever they'd like.
  • I hate talking on the phone. It doesn't bother me at work but I'm not a phone conversationalist with friends and family. Texting was invented purely to help me keep me from losing all my friends. I started texting in 2002. That's 10 years ago people. I think having a verbal conversation stops me from doing other things and therefore goes back to my inability to sit still.
  • I have serious issues with my weight or should I say my body image. I know how cliché, but it’s plagued me since I was in the 5th grade. IF when I finally become pregnant I will probably start seeing someone to deal with the weight gain.
  • Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family, Jersey Shore, American Pickers, and Alaska State Trooper sums up my TV profile.
  • I've been told that people find me intimidating. No one has explained to me if they mean it in a good or a bad way. I assume that if it was a bad way they wouldn't tell me because me is intimidating. I think I just have a very matter of fact personality. Great, now you all think I'm a bitch on wheels!
  • Although I'm apparently intimidating I'm an incredibly anxious person. Worrying is something I do all day every day.
  • I love to sneak a cigarette when I drink and I don’t care what you think.
  • I will always love McDonald's and when people make pretentious comments on how nasty or bad for you it is I think they are lying and secretly drive two towns away to eat it.
  • I love Amy Winehouse, Lil'Wayne, and Adele.

Anything else you've been itching to know about me?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Little Blue Pills

Before stepping into the twisted world that is infertility I would have expected a little blue pill to bring me into an Alice in Wonderland state where I would float and smile like the Cheshire Cat.

But no this little blue pill causes vomiting, headaches, dizziness, stupidity, rage, depression, and if I had one I'd say penile dysfunction just for good measure.

From what I can find in my research, which consists of one person's opinion, is that this little blue pill doesn't make anyone else this sick.


Although birth control (unless a very low dose) made me vomit on schedule daily so I suppose I've always had some kind of intolerance.

Birth control....hahahahaha! Wow those were the days.

Remember ladies?

Heart palpitations when you realized you missed a pill? Never mind missing two!! Dear lord! Full on sweating and calling up your BFF to exclaim that you were definitely pregnant and "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!?" Walking into the local pharmacy shaking like a leaf while said BFF waits in the running car. Peeing in the bathroom while she sat on the edge of your tub waiting for the results.



One hour later..................

"What are we drinking tonight?"

Oh boy Oh boy. Those were the days.

First ultrasound 2/26
Transfer 3/2
Beta 3/12

Monday, February 13, 2012

My Sweaty Valentine

Well her flight finally landed around Saturday afternoon. Apparently she was cramped in coach putting her in an awful mood because let me tell you folks she was angry as Honey Badger yet again. After a glass of wine, Tylenol,  and a couple Life.time movies she calmed down but phew that was a rough 24 hours.

I started pumping myself with estrogen on Sunday morning and as of yet I feel fine. I know all too well that tomorrow will be a different story entirely. The day will be spent with the opposite sex and therefore clueless about my fertility treatments. This will, in turn force me to hide my gagging and all around unpleasant disposition. One of the idiots gentlemen whom will be in attendance for tomorrow's awful awesome conference suggested we stay and gamble for a couple hours after.

I may have flipped out.

Ok so maybe I've had a few side effects from the meds already.


As I mentioned in my previous post J and I are celebrating Valentine's Day tonight. We've decided to make the dinner even more ridiculous and go when I get out of work at 4:30.
What's more romantic than the early bird special? I've got a couple of gray's that have gone unattended, could probably rustle up a cat sweater, and we won't have any children with us, maybe we'll get the senior discount?!
J actually asked me if he could wear sweat pants.


Patty- Are you kidding me?
J - What babe it's only (insert local semi hillbilly restaurant here)?
Patty - You can wear a sweatshirt but you're at least wearing jeans.
J - Gotta go babe, I got laundry to do.

I secretly wish I could wear sweatpants.

Saturday, February 11, 2012


Maybe I should make all my posts start with 'S' until we finally get pregnant. Now that would be irritating wouldn't it?

So ya, spotting today. It didn't bring much comfort and who knows if it will amount into anything. The RE who performed my HSG said my lining was top notch and that was 3 weeks ago so there should be some type of show here!

I just want to start the FET meds and get this show on the road. Once things get rolling I think I’ll be able to move back into a positive light.

Any who.

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. I had these grand dreams of taking J away for the night and staying in a luxurious hotel with dinner in bed and too much champagne but instead I will be at a casino for a work conference. Mind you, Tuesday is usually my day off but nope I'll be listening to one speaker after another blabbing about topics of unimaginable boredom. White noise would bring more excitement than these guys.

 I considered having J drive in with me and gamble the day away until I was free then staying the night but NOPE once again. I have to work the next morning. J's not much of a gambler or a 'spend time by himself in a casino' guy so I guess that wouldn't have really worked anyway.

Looks like we're settling for dinner and a drink at local restaurant and topping the night off by catching up on the DVR.


Negative Nancy & Mr. No No

Friday, February 10, 2012


Now what?

Still no AF. I've felt intense sensations that she's been knocking at the door for well over a week.

Yesterday's HPT was BFN.

I feel completely lost.

I didn't expect to feel so down about this. It just kind of came on yesterday. Taking the HPT was supposed to give me an answer, some kind of peace of mind, but it didn't. Instead, it reaffirmed that sinking feeling that everything was already going down the shitter.

Something is amidst. I have no idea what it is but my suspicions are that it's no good.

After 3 years of failed TTC there is one thing that has gotten me through and that is moving on to the next endeavor. When I can't move on I'm forced to focus on the past and it's an awful place to be. I can feel myself slipping away and isolating once again. I keep thinking about the twins. How I walked around not knowing they were even there for almost 3 weeks, doing whatever the hell I please with my body.

Thinking about how it's been 3 years and how angry I am.

I'm over this. I'm close to the point of walking away from it all. I've never thought of living childless but how long can one keep on this path of disappointment and self-hatred.

J always says, “It’ll happen babe. We have to stay positive.”

I never respond. Last night I said “It’s been 3 years.”

This time he didn’t respond.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Yo Flo! Where You At?!

I guess that says it all.

Still. No. AF.

I haven't tested since Sunday.

HPT's are so expensive and have eaten up enough of my bank account over the years so I'm standing in protest. But how does one know if one is baking a human if one doesn't test? The conundrum pains me.

It shall be resolved with a stop at the local Dollar this evening after work.

I suppose because I didn't take OPK's I definitely could have O'd on January 25th and today would make me 14DPO and therefore make Sunday 11DPO in turn creating a false positive.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I've pulled myself together. This is just so frustrating. My body can't even start a frozen cycle in a decent fashion. I'm not supposed to be the problem. I'm supposed to be like clockwork.

Let me explain the preceding statement.

I by no means think that because we have male factor infertility that I am not infertile. If he is infertile I am therefore infertile. His problems are wholly my own. So there! Stick that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it.

Have I ever mentioned that I assume everyone judges me in a negative manor? I prepare defenses in my head at all times just in case said person voices these negativities.

I digress.

Am I preggo?

Stayed tuned

My poor Patr.iots.

I felt/feel awful about it. It's gone to that place of my mind that remains dark and hidden, like it never happened. But the Bru.ins and the Celtics are still holding their own. There's hope yet!


Psychosis Symptoms

Sore BB's
Cramps off and on
Moody as all hell
Hangover feeling (usually my first sign of PG)
Dry heaving when brushing teeth (had with twin pregnancy)

We all know no sooner will I hit publish that AF will arrive........

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Moving On


Bring on the FET!

Woke up with some serious cramps so AF should make her appearance tomorrow and I'll start my meds.

GO PATS!!!!!

Saturday, February 4, 2012


This song always reminds me of the struggles of infertility. It gives me strength. So this ones for you infertility...

Just Call Me Panic Patty

I've always been a worrier, turning the smallest details of life into endless sleepless nights.

Lately, this has been waaaay out of control. Each night I wake at 3:30 a.m. with a fleeting thought about something and I stew on it until I'm nauseous. I know all I would have to do is call my Dr. and he would prescribe Lora.zepam to help me sleep but I'm too paranoid to take it while TTC.

Disclaimer: There are no deep seeded issues that I am having anxiety over. They are the most ridiculous things and when I wake and think about them on a clear head I can't even understand why I was worrying about them. My Dr. thinks it's something to do with my blood sugar becoming low and affecting other body functions.


Are there any of you out there who deal with anxiety? What do you do while TTC? Do you medicate or do you have another way of dealing?

I wonder if there is something different I can do during the day to ward off these attacks.
Still no sign of AF.

I'm grateful that if this cycle is a bust it just signifies the start of our FET rather than a total failure. Definitely not looking forward to starting the vomitogen(estrace tabs). Those itty bitty pills make me so sick it's crazy.

Do you ladies get sick on those pills?

I'm talking barely passing as a human being for the entire cycle due to those little fuckers. The patches probably add to the hell that is my existence during that time.

Of course it's just in time for my work schedule to pick up. I've been working like a mad woman this week in an effort to get as much done as possible before I become a pile of estrogen.

But I'll be testing tomorrow morning just to be sure I can have a few beers at the super bowl party tomorrow. Don't worry I will keep you all up to date on my peeing activities.

Speaking of the super bowl....

I'm so.friggin.nervousEXCITED! Big games like this make me a bundle of nerves. I have a hard time watching it. Similar to the Ameri.can Idol auditions. It's like watching someone you love attempt something so huge in their life that could go either amazing or awful.

Yes, I do in fact feel that intimately close to my New Pat.riots.
Pat the Patriot. Panic Patty. Coincidence? I think not.

This just makes me laugh.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

B-B-B-Benny And The Implants...

Well I am once again dating Dr. Google and we've decided that my recent HSG will have me barefoot and pregnant this cycle! How exciting?!

I don't know why I'm torturing myself with such ridiculousness. This is my second third trip down delusional lane this year with thinking we could get PG without IVF.

Ovulation after the HSG can only be described as the ever so annoying and typical adjective of "epic". I cramped like a long run after a four course meal. Being the slutty McSlutterpants that I am I sent J a text while he was at work wondering if he was DTF.

Now, you can all pretend that you don't watch Jersey Shore but I know you do. Just for that 1% that missed it, DTF= Down To Penetrate and by penetrate I it? Good!

Back to me.

We DTD at what I can only imagine to be optimal baby making time. I have long given up OPK's so my telltale signs were all I had to go by. Five days later....AF cramps....9 days early.
I'm now 8DPO and slight cramping has continued. Of course my sense of smell has increased, I’m nauseous, and buying maternity pants tomorrow. Would you like a side of sarcasm with your blog? Served up hot daily! But no, for realsies here people, I’m crampy and gaggy.

I've been taking Bena.dryl since 5DPO because I'm convinced that my body has some kind of histamine reaction to my embabies when they are implanting and attacks those little buggers. I always take it on transfer day and for four days after. The sucky part is you're supposed to take it 3x/day and that stuff makes you look like a walking zombie! I've reduced my intake to one with dinner and one before bed. For I must do something at work besides blog.

Looks like this gal will be busting out some HTP's this weekend. Stay tuned.....

*I apologize for the rate of speed at which this particular post travels but damn I need to be uppity while I'm off the benny's.