Sunday, November 4, 2012

Birthday

Colton Justen born 11/3/12 7lbs 19" @ 37 weeks. Everyone is happy and healthy. Birth story to follow.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Down The Crapper...

That's where my day went. Our septic clogged leaving this walking full bladder without a pisser and plumbers and septic men in and out of my house all day. All this rambling is my crappy way of explaining my lack of promised  post.
Tomorrow my friends. TOMORROW

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Oh Hey....

I'm baaaack! I know. How annoying right? Well my new phone actually allows me to post!! Look out world!
I'm 36.6 weeks with a chubby stubborn boy. Why stubborn? He's friggin breech and insists upon being evicted from my uterus via major abdominal surgery rather than exiting voluntarily like a normal kid.
The fluid level is finally normal and everything seems to be on track for the week of Thanksgiving.
Very fitting that my chubby Nom Nom be born on a day that revolves around food.
I will have a multipart post for your viewing pleasure tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Fluid Conundrum


Still no real answers. My OB is doing yet another ultrasound a week from today. He says that he needs to get me past 24weeks before he can make a true assessment of the situation. No, I did not ask what he meant by that but I'm sure we all get that little sneaking shiver.

:::::::24 weeks:::::::

Hopefully we will really have some answers or plans on Wednesday or I might lose my damn mind.

In the meantime J's sister is about to pop at any minute. She's due Sunday, although she's not looking too positive on the dilated/effaced/dropped prospect. Her other two pregnancies were late so we're anticipating the same with this little nugget.

I have a post formed and ready to go but for now I must pretend to work.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Answers...

We don't really have any!

The amniotic fluid is still low. Not dangerously low but low enough to need monitoring. Unfortunately the first dip tech that did the initial ultrasound didn't measure the level so we don't know if we're dealing with depleting levels or if they are just low and holding.

Still waiting for my OB's plan of attack. I'll try to post as soon as I know.

Monday, July 30, 2012

And by tomorrow I meant more than a week....

Week 23!

Or as we like to call is in the IF community, 1 week from viability! Did you ever say those words to a non-IFer? I said it to J's sister two weeks ago and I'm pretty sure her eyes welled up with sheer pity for my morbid outlook on pregnancy. She's about to pop anyday now so hormones contributed but still...pathetic stare nonetheless.

I'll give you a quick recap of my pregnancy with little Nom-Nom. His nickname is a result of me eating constantly. I prefer to blame my lack of self control on my unborn child's appetite. Anywho....

The neverending SCH finally ended somewhere around week 12. Although I was never cleared to return to normal activity such as sex or lifting more than a gallon of milk, I was able to finally go to the bathroom without having to analyze the color of my TP.

It certaintly wasn't smooth sailing from there as the Braxton Hicks contractions started at about the same time the SCH left. Contractions at 12 weeks are more than ridiculous. Everything you read says it's perfectly normal to have these bad boys and your body is preparing for labor. AT 25 WEEKS!! Ye olde ute was clearly trying to make up for previous failures by overpreparing. Contractions 6 months beforehand are not necessary. Those little buggers took me out of work and on bedrest a few times much to my bosses delight.

You see, there only 5 other employees in my office. All of which have taken turns being pregnant every summer. All of which have had non-high risk perfectly healthy uneventful pregnancies. So when I bellied up to the desk with my list of I can't do this, eat that, or stand there you can imagine the annoyance it brought my annoying boss. Yes, I realized I used that word twice. I hate him.

So far we've had 6 ultrasounds. Number 6 was 5 weeks ago and showed us our beautifully fat little boy. He's measuring two weeks ahead. You should have seen the look on the ultrasound techs face when I told her he was IVF and changing his EDD was not necessary. Everything, including the cervival length that I forced them to measure, looked great. We drove home on cloud 9.

Monday morning my OB called. I didn't even hesitate to give an enthusiatic HELLO! I'm sure the nurse cringed. She started off my giving me a laundry list of what looked good on the ultrasound. I thought it was strange to visit every organ and processes but whatever she was being throrough. Then she said BUT....
There it was. That was the first time EVER I let my gaurd down with test results. What a douche bag.

BUT... the amniotic fluid is low. The ringing in my ears started and I got light headed. I knew damn well that low fluid at 18 weeks was NOT GOOD. She went on to say how they aren't overly concerned because he's a fatty and typically problematic low fluid would be accompied by small measurements. Also they did not see any kidney issues that would be indicitive of low fluid. So they scheduled my 7th ultrasound for tomorrow.

For 5 weeks I've been petrified that I'm leaking. Its 90 flippin' degrees out daily and swass is at an all time high. Therefore so is my panty sniffing. That's right readers! I now not only check for bleeding I have to SMELL my underwear. Why you ask? Amniotic fluid is ordorless. Sweat and pee...not so much. Hopefully tomorrow will put an end to said creeper status and my fluid will be right where it should be.

The alternative goes one of two ways. If my fluid is relatively lower than they would like to see I will be sent to a maternal fetal doc. If my fluid is dangerously low I will be admitted until I deliver. Deliver/my fluid runs out. The last one is obviously terrifying as dangerously low fluid ususally will put you about two weeks from delivery. Tops.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A Broken Slience


Reason for the crickets?

Fear of jinxing it all.

Where are we at now?

21 weeks with a beautiful boy and low amniotic fluid.

Your regularly scheduled blogging will resume tomorrow.

Thank you to all you who did not stop following my silent blog.

1 <3 you.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Subchorionic Hematomatic Induced Stress Disorder

I didn't think there would be a venture in my life that would be more emotionally trying than infertility. That was supposed to be the depths of hell and everything else was going to be rainbows and unicorn farts.

But true to form my body has decided to take me down a new path that has proven to be more stressful than I could have imagined.

Subchorionic Hematoma

A pocket of blood located between my little buggers placenta and my uterus. This pocket of blood has caused me to bleed and or spot for most of my pregnancy. I have been off and on bed rest and in and out of sanity since my diagnosis on April 1st. No woman should have to experience this must less after battling years of infertility and IVF.

I know no one wants to hear the woe is me post from the now pregnant infertile but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It’s like experiencing the terror of a miscarriage over and over again.

We had an ultrasound yesterday and LB’s (little buggers) heart rate was 153 and measuring perfect. I had been preparing myself for days to get the awful news that this pregnancy had ended but instead I saw LB staring back at me. I'm pretty sure he said, "Still here Ma! Stop all that damn worrying!"(Being my child he will someday end up with a potty mouth. Not a trait I'm proud of but what can ya do.)

Every day is a battle. I wake up with raging morning sickness that continues throughout the day until bed. I'm petrified of vomiting because of the strain it will cause and most likely induce bleeding but I refuse to take anything for it because it's the only thing telling me LB is still growing. So I take deep breaths, gag, and drink ginger ale. Most of my coworkers and my boss already know about the pregnancy because I've had to take so many last minute days off. This in turn adds to my stress. Any woman who has suffered through telling people you are no longer pregnant knows the stress I speak of.

I fear that I'll have some sort of PTSD from all this. Subchorionic Hematomatic Induced Stress Disorder.

32 weeks 2 days.....

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Of Course....

Those of us that are part of the miscarriage club have done a particular search on Goo.gle that can only be described as a desparate attempt to retrieve a few stories chronicling a woman whom started to bleed at  such and such weeks pregnant. The story will read that she "bled more than should have been allowed to keep a pregnancy intact but I now have a happy 3 year old running around my computer".

Sunday marked my 5th search for said topic on Goo.gle.

J and I only have one bathroom in our house and we were joking who was going to get to use it first. Really he was just teasing me because he knew I was on my way in there. In the end I won or should I say lost. I sat down and woosh. I instantly became lightheaded and screamed out to J what was happening. He replies with "C'mon babe. You know the Dr. said it was no big deal don't get worked up." J and blood is a pairing that will result in man hitting floor. I gathered myself up, exited the bathroom crying hysterically, and we left for the ER.

They brought me into a room right away and the Dr. showed up within minutes. About a half an hour later she did an exam and told me my cervix was slightly open and she was going to send me for an ultrasound. Meanwhile I had to explain 50 times how I was only 6 weeks and my LMP had nothing to do with it. I always forget that those medical professionals whom are not in the fertility field no jack shit about the fertility field.

I sat in the bed completely numb thinking about who I had to tell that I was no longer pregnant, how long I could take off work, how we were going to have to get J different health insurance, and how I didn't deserve to loose another baby.

The ultrasound tech came in to wheel me down to radiology.

U/S Tech- Is your bladder full? That way I can save you the transvaginal and I'll do the abdominal ultrasound.
Patty- I'm 6 weeks.
U/S Tech - 6 weeks?! My records say 12!
Patty- Shut up

I laid there cursing silently to Mr. Dildocam and how he insists on being a part of my shitty ass fertility journey. After 15 minutes the tech puts away Mr. Dildo and says"I'm not supposed to say anything but there's a heartbeat."

SAY WHAT NOW!?

She wheels me back to our room and J is immediately relieved. I know better. A heart that beats today may not beat tomorrow. I needed facts from the U/S before I felt comfortable with anything. Shortly after we're discharged with all the reports to give to the RE the following morning. As soon as we get in the car I scan the reports for the following:

HCG = 14,065
Heart Rate = 109 bpm
Gestational Age = 6 weeks
Radiologist notes = Fetus measuring small and heartbeat low.

Fuck.

Enter Dr. Goo.gle.

HCG = Normal Range
Heart Rate =  at 6 weeks should be 90-110bpm therefore Normal Range
Gestational Age = Right the hell on.

We're back in the game.

Monday morning all bleeding has stopped and we're off to the RE for u/s duex. This tech was not so gentle with Mr. Dildo and I about kicked her in the eye. Then she told me our little bugger has a heart rate of 110bpm and I offered to carry any of her future children. We met with the RE after and I've been diagnosed with a tiny weeny Subchorionic Hematoma. It measures so small that she only anticipates brown spotting occasionally if anything and hopes it will be even smaller at our next u/s Wednesday April 11th.

This is turning into a crazy ride. Only 34 more weeks.....

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Minor Freak Out

Since the positive beta with my less than stellar numbers I've been a little more than anxious. I check my undies like parent potty training a 2 year old. Just waiting to see some sort of sign that this is all a dream and have the hard cold hand of infertility slap me back to my barren reality.

Tuesday night's J plays in an old man hockey league. He also plays Sunday and Thursday and thinks he's in the NHL but that's beside the point. This past Tuesday was the final playoff game to win the championship. J's team was playing his cousins team so the whole family went down to watch. I'm cold all the time so sitting at the rink on a Tuesday night while old man skate around was not this girls top priority. At about 7:45 I took a break from reading Hun.ger Games (yes, I'm that girl) and went to bathroom too drain my bladder that was all too full because I couldn't put my book down. I did my usual TP check which consists of my putting the TP up to the light to check for spotting. I know it's crazy but I can't stop and this time it was there. Spotting. Light brown spotting mixed in with the progesterone gel.

Instantly I began sobbing and sweating. Wiped again and there was still a little brown on the TP. Pulling myself together I went back to the couch put my feet up and started the debate in my head if I should call the RE. For those of you out there thinking, "Why would you even question calling the RE?". After 4 miscarriages I know how that phone call goes. They can't stop a miscarriage and without blood work and ultrasound they have no idea what is going on and going back to my thinking everyone judges me issue I imagine them talking down to me and I couldn't handle that. I think it over for another few minutes realizing that if J were home he would make me call the RE no matter what my excuses were. So I put a call in through their answering service and the RE calls back about 40 minutes later. Thankfully she was very sweet and said all the right things. Well, they were all things I had heard before but she said they would see me right away the next morning for blood work and move up my ultrasound.

The spotting stopped shortly after and there was never any cramping so I felt a little less anxious but my mind kept wandering back to those crappy beta numbers. I was mentally preparing myself to have Wednesday's call back. Where nurse fertile would say unfortunately your numbers are too low to sustain pregnancy at this stage. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Nurse Fertile called back around 1:30 to tell us that my numbers were 4000+. Per my usual emotional breakdowns my ears blocked out the rest of her ramblings. Beta base had already been stalked and I had calculated 2200 keeping me in the viable range so 4000+ definitely made me feel better. Of course we're still not out of the woods. I had a small amount of spotting today when I wiped but seems to have resolved again. Please let it just be from the progesterone gel.
The ultrasound has been moved up to Monday April1st. Just realizing now that's April fool’s Day and that's all I have to say about that little gem.


Keep us in your prayers Monday.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Limbo Bimbo

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but when I'm pregnant I'm an idiot. I know. I know. Eye roll....you're only 5 weeks pregnant. You're just an idiot. But I swear baby brain is real people and it's no joke.

I manage a service and installation company and have been there for 11 years (moonlighted as a veterinary nurse in there too). As of late, I'm pretty sure our customers just assume I'm new. The estrace makes me pretty soft to start but this is just hilarious. I forget what I'm talking about midsentence. My tongue is now too big for my mouth so stuttering is pretty common. My memory was left somewhere in Wal.mart about three weeks ago. I think.

I recently hired two new employees and I cannot even imagine what they must think of me. They probably assume I slept my way through the company and because we're in the 3 month wait limbo I have no explaination for my bimbo behavior. Just wait until I start showing.

Aside from being dumb there aren’t too many pressing matters in my life. Just trying to hold onto this baby for dear life. There hasn't been cramping or spotting. My ta-tas are sore and my nausea is getting worse. I take all those things as a sign that something is continuing to grow in the ole ute but we all know that doesn't mean a heart is beating.

The ultrasound is scheduled for April 5th and I think I may pass out when senior dildocam makes his debut.

 This is more stress than I ever anticipated and here I thought getting knocked up was the hard part.

I'll have you know that the last sentence originally went as follows: "This is more stress than I ever anticipated and here I thought I was getting knocked up with the hard part." Apparently I got knocked up with the soft part. Yes, dirty I know but technically that catheter was soft!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Beta Data

Once again I apologize for my tardiness. We've had a sudden spike of warm weather here in New England and that instantly creates craziness at my workplace.

As you may recall Beta #2 was Tuesday.

As promised I tested Monday night to prepare myself for what was to come. The test came back nice and dark and definately doubley(word? I'm not sure) darker than the previous test from Saturday. Feeling pretty darn confident in my britches I woke the following morning ready to take that beta head on. When the nurse finally called me at 3:30 I was back to nervous and ready for bad news as usual. Immediately I hear in her voice that it's good news and she then says "I have GREAT news!"(This particular nurse is super sweet unlike nurse Fertile with her 10 kids whom is quite cold)"Your beta number came back within normal range, 170." She proceeded to blab about continuing my meds and ultrasounds but I had completely blocked her out at that point.

What do you mean 170 is great news?! My first beta was Saturday with a 67.9. Second beta was Tuesday with a 170. A good number would have been 200 or above. Not a little more than doubled. Am I right here girlies? Appartenly my Dr.'s office only does betas every 72hours and only expects to see doubling.

I keep telling myself  that they are one of the top RE offices in the country and obviously they know what works. But all the RE wanna be's on Dr. Google go on and on about doubling every 48 hrs. Speaking of....how freaking annoying is that when you google betas the majority of stories are woman concerned about twins? Argh gag me.

So I always expected, with each hurtle cleared more anxiety rises up against me. I wish I could just be a pregnant fertile person ignorantly telling everyone I'm 5wks pregnant on Saturday. Making an official FB post. Oh well. No more betas for this girl and our first ultrasound will be sometime after April 5th. They are calling to schedule it today.

On the plus side no more spotting and cramping just comes and goes which I've now told myself is normal. Just taking it one day at a time here folks.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Answer is not the Answer

Let's start off with my sincere apologies for my sudden absence. My work computer bit the big one and for some reason my phone does not let me post. I've been chomping at the bit to fill you all in.

Yes, I'm about to get on with it.

6dp5dt + Brown Spotting = evening anger and tears.

7dp5dt at approximately 5am Patty wakes with new renewed hope that it was old implantation blood making its way out and she should test right now with one of the two Answers calling her name. Much to her surprise. Nothing. Big Mutha F'in Negativo. Got back in bed and shed some serious pillow tears. Back up around 7:00am walk into the bathroom cursing the stupid crinone that still has to be squirted in the plumbing for what was clearly no freaking reason now because was definately not pregnant. While tossing the applicator in the trash catch a glimpse of the evil 5am stick. Like a true infertile made the decision(with pants still down and ass on the throne)to reach into the trash and check it one last time.


Positive.

Not a squinter. Not one you have to post and say "it's pink in real life, I SWEAR!", but straight up positive.

This starts crazy person tears of joy and continues while one stands outside with the dogs for their morning poop. My backyard is being torn up at the moment so there is no fence and we have neighbors at all angles. I'm 100% sure I was spotted and deamed the town drunk.

9dp5dt + Beta Day = 2am Peeing on a stick

Test is definately lighter. Again pillow soaker and no sleep for the rest of night morning. Cannot believe that I fell for my ute's old tricks once again. Of course she would kick out anything trying to make a little temporary home for 9 months because she's a selfish teenager and doesn't want to share her room. Up at 6am to get ready for beta that I don't need because I'm having a stupid chemical. Shed more tears while getting ready to get in the shower. You know what's next.....reaches into trash......DARKER!!!! What in the hell is going on.

Beta day 12:30pm nurse calls to stay we have a positive test with a number of 67.9. They like to see it between 50-100 so we're looking good. Call J 15 times before I finally get him and am able to tell him the good news.

5:30pm lower back ache and nagging achey feeling in thighs. These are usually my telltale AF signs. Aches continue until bed. This morning my thighs and hips are aching but the back has stopped. No spotting since 6dp5dt.

Sorry that was exhausting I'm sure. Long story short, second beta is Tuesday and I'll be testing that morning or Monday night but not until then. I will never ever use an Answer test again.

Thank you all for checking in and leaving your support. I'm still a mess 98% of the time. I'm trying my hardest to remain as optimistic as possible. It is awful how infertility makes one so jaded.



                                        There's a 67.9 line. Way to go 5 days early Answer test

Monday, March 12, 2012

Transfer Day

Better late than never right?

Let's start by saying that a 5:00pm transfer both sucks and blows proves beneficial. The sucky part was obviously waiting all.damn.day. I had convinced myself that they were going to call us at any point and say the Bros had arrested and we were donzo but they didn't. The beneficial part was coming home at 7:00pm and sleeping off the Val all night without worrying about moving around.

We got to the clinic an hour early for my acupuncture appointment. I have heard sooo many good things about acupuncture. The relaxation, increased blood flow, and all around Zen experience. I hated it. I cannot turn my brain off and lie there for 25 minutes, especially not before my transfer. I was positioned on my stomach with my face in that little hole at the head of the table. I can only imagine that is what birth feels like to a baby. Far from comfortable. Also the fact that needles were poking in my body made me not want to move for fear that I would send one piercing through a nerve somewhere. I laid there rigid for 25 minutes. Not my idea of relaxing. Next time maybe a pre-transfer massage. I think I could get into that.

So after the poking session I took my Val. and was whisked away to the surgery suite to wait for it to kick in. That shit is f'awesome. I completely recommend it. I've never felt so relaxed in my life and it reduced my cramping afterward to nothing. So while that was in full effect the embryologist came over to tell us what we had in the Bro department. Two perfect blasts with one hatching. I made him tell me twice. I giggled and clapped (thank you Val). J was a wee bit embarrassed but whatev. Everything went off without a hitch.

Until Saturday.

My biggest fear through this whole process was that I would start AF. As you may recall my lining was initially too thin resulting in an up in meds and an additional week taking said meds. AF was due Saturday and with her due date came my typical 'you’re going to have your period in 4 days' cramps. Naturally I’m a nut case and checking me undies every 15 minutes just waiting for her to show up. I pray the meds keep her at bay long enough for these little buggers to implant but I’m terrified.

Send some good vibes this way that AF never ever shows her bitch face again.

My beta is St. Patty's Day. Sticks with our green theme nicely!

Thank you ladies so much for all your support. It really does mean so much to me, you have no idea.
Who needs lettuce when they make green doughnuts?! NOM NOM NOM

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Green With Hope

Yesterday was a looooong excruciating 24 hrs. It actually started Monday night when the intense anxiety set in. I know big shocker.

When I had my appt with Dr. T she took a look at how many ice Bros we still had. She must have went through the info10 times and  kept writing things down to keep track which made me think she wasn't entirely sure what the hell we had. Her conclusion was 4 day3 embryos and 2 day5 blasts. I didn't want to be that patient that says, "Are you sure that's what we have?"(que annoying patronizing voice) so I just let it go. Her plan was to culture out the day3 embryos to blast and transfer two blasts. Since our embabies tend to do the kiver between days 3 & 5 that will at least "use up" what we have. Well that appt was months ago and the anxiety about the number only came up in brief fleeting thoughts, that is until Monday night. My stomach was pissed, my head hurt, and my teeth were clenched so tight that I now have huge biceps on the side of my face.

Nurse Fertile said the clinic would call Tuesday with the thaw/fertilization report and give us a transfer time. Luckily, we're remodeling one of the rooms at work so I dove into gallons of paint and DIY projects to keep myself busy. But when the clinic still hadn't called at 3:00 I was getting uppity. I told myself that if there was an issue they would have called first thing in the a.m. and the delay was a good thing. By 3:30 my rationale had gone out the window and I was jumping in my car to make the phone call from home because I was convinced we had nothing to transfer and wasn't about to have a mental breakdown at work. After what felt like an hour drive (only 15mins) I pulled in my driveway and called the clinic. One of the nurses said that were just making the phone calls now with the times but she would see if it was in the computer. All of our other 154 transfers have been between the hours of 9am-1pm. Tomorrow's transfer.....5:00pm. Say what now?! About 30mins later another nurse called with that same time and my instructions.

I didn't have the courage to ask her what the Bros were looking like and how many we had to transfer. I've decided to get that information after I take my Vali.um. That way I can just smile and say, "Until next time Nurse Fertile!" while J and I skip out into that parking lot.

My biggest fear is that we get there and they say, "Well we hoped this wouldn't be the case but they didn't make it. We wanted to give you a late transfer time to give them more of a chance and then meet with your Dr."

Yes, I am completely aware how crazy that is. If I wasn't such chicken shit I would just ask what was going on but no, I can't do that either. That's too definitive. It's way easier to be ignorant.

 So tomorrow J and I are going take a walk with the pups to pass the time until the transfer. It's over an hour drive and I have to be there for 4:00 for my acupuncture so we'll be leaving a little before 3:00. Leaves a lot of thinking time, which is never good for Patty.

I've been told that green is the color of fertility so tomorrow J's sisters and myself will be doning green nails and clothes for fertile vibes.



Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. Hopefully our 3 years of bad luck has ended.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Fatty Boomba Patty

This is the typical time in a cycle where I get totally crazy with my body image and I know that but I'm still not used to it.

115

That is what I weighed when I started dating J. No way in hell am I putting down today's pounder. How did this happen? One day I could sit down in a bikini and be totally comfortable then BAM the muffin man is living in my jeans!

What is going to happen if this infertile ever gets knocked up? Will J need to wheel me around in a barrel? Will I have my own TCL program...600lb barren woman?

I eat the same way I always have and yes I know I'm 6 years older but what in Fat Albert's name is going on??

At this point in the FET the bloating is amazing. A girl always likes her body just a little more in the morning. Everything seems a little smaller in the waist region. Not this water retaining faux menopausal mess. I look like I just ate a Big Ma.c before I crawled out of bed.

NOM! NOM! NOM! Two all-beef patties, lettuce, pickles, onions, special sauce, all on my big fat bun!




Have any of you gained weight since starting fertility treatments?

If you're contemplating leaving a comment about how you lost weight while on fertility treatments please leave your address under your comment so I can pay you a personal visit. ::::::rolls eyes to the point of ocular discomfort::::

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Smoosh Moosh

I've been trying to compose something of substance to write for days now. Due to the increase in medication I'm barely capable of talking to myself much less devising an intelligent witty post that holds my reader at the edges of my blog with unbridled excitement.
Well that was unexpectedly vivid.

Patty?! Are you in there?!

Silence.....

I guess it was a fluke. I hate that word by the way. Fluke. It's been tossed around in the script of our infertility melodrama a few too many times. A really shitty to way to 'explain' the unexplainable I suppose.

"Yes Patty, you've had multiple miscarriages but there haven't been any significant findings. It's just a fluke."

To me;  fluke = insignificant happening.

Miscarriage = pretty F'in important

Wow! Did you all just follow that twisted trip you went on? I'm not sure what just happened but an unexpected tangent unfolded.

ANWAYS.....

Went for another ultrasound Friday and all’s well in Ye Olde Ute. Nice, thick, and ready for a some *Bros to stick. The transfer should be Thursday. I, of course, can't fight the feeling that they will call us and say none of our bros survived the thaw, in which case I will have to be committed.

Dr. T wrote me a script for Val.ium. For some strange reason my clinic does not do Val.ium on the day of transfer unless so requested by the patient. So in an effort to pull out all the stops on this 45,735,085 treatment I so requested it.

For all you ladies that have taken this on transfer day, from what I understand that's everyone that's had a transfer besides me, do you know how many milligrams you were given? As I've mentioned before I previously took meds for my anxiety which at one point included Loraz.epam (a sister drug of diazepam = val.ium) and it was 1mg. Well my prescription is for two 5 mg pills!!



Script reads as follows:
Valium 5mg
# Two
T-TT 30 min before embryo transfer

Does this seem a little excessive to anyone else? I'm afraid I'll be running around the clinic bare assed in my Johnny talking nonsense to the walls!

*Bros are what we call our embryos/blasts. I was not referring to getting my smoosh on with multiple gentlemen

Monday, February 27, 2012

Doesn't The Universe Know I'm Crazy...

 I know you all have been checking daily for a new and always interesting post from yours truly and have been let down. Well let-downs are a dime a dozen these days so here's a few more.

Wednesday I received a letter from my clinic letting us know that we owe $780.00 in storage fees for our frozen embryos/blasts. A fee that is to only be incurred should our snow babies remain in "storage" for a year. February makes one year since we started IVF, but by no means are those same snow babies the ones that remain on ice today. They were procured 4 months ago in October. I plan to address the matter but not until after the transfer.

Saturday was spent with the stomach flu starting at about 5am. The dreaded Little Blue Pills already cause 24/7 pukey so the flu was just spectacular. A real one for the text books. J had an alumni hockey game against an old high school rival that he's been excited about since he graduated 12 years ago and I had to miss it. After the game, all of our friends met at a local bar for it's final night as its closing. I warmed the couch by watched Break.ing Dawn, Some.thing Borrowed, and 10 episodes of Big Ba.ng Theo.ry. J then was dropped off feeling more than a little relaxed which lead to mio sleeping in our spare bedroom due to the smell of alcohol on his breath making me want to suffocate him in his sleep. The mattress in the spare bedroom sucks eggs therefore I slept like crap.

Sunday morning I was up at 6am for blood work and ultrasound after no sleep and puking the day before. I get there and sign in and since I go to a satellite office of my fertility clinic and not the main office they bring in an agency on weekends to do our ultrasounds. We have the option of going to the main office but it’s over an hour for me and I'm all set with that on a Sunday morning. So anywho, I sign in and sit down. There is one other woman already in the waiting room and a few couples file in after me. The tech comes out and calls a name that is neither the woman whom was waiting before me nor myself but rather a woman whom came in after me. Right there I knew this was going to take longer than necessary. So now we're going out of order and the tech is taking an ungodly amount of time to complete each ultrasound. We're talking like 30 mins each. I don't care if the woman had 40 follicles it does not take that long. This is coming from a woman who usually has over 20 and it’s never taken more than 10 mins start to finish. Finally she calls me back and tells me she's unable to sign into the system and is entering everything by hand so that's the reason for the delay. Well ok then, I can't blame the woman for that. She does my ultrasound and tells me everything looks fantastic and best of luck on Friday.

 The blood work is done at yet another site so I jump in my car and rush over there. I check in at the front desk and the phlebotomist proceeds to tell me that the currier has already come. I, of course, stare back at her with my best 'Are you fucking kidding me?!' look. She then says she'll call another but my blood work will be late. Ok then, were you just telling me to reprimand me for being late? I then told her that she better tell the currier that there will be more to follow because tech slowsky is having issues and there were more people to come.

At about noon, which is way earlier than my clinic ever calls and therefore my blood work was by no means 'late', a nurse calls with my instructions. Turns out tech slowsky doesn't know shit about shit and my lining is too thin for transfer. This NEVER happens. My lining is always thicker than necessary, so WTF!? They are upping the Little Blue Pills to 3x/day. Holy crap on a cracker. I'm going to have to go on short term disability for this.

I know what you're thinking. "A little over dramatic aren't we?" NO! We are not.

When I tell you I’m barely a functioning human being on a twice-a-day regimen I mean I don't do much more than cry, gag, complain, puke, and sleep. Three times a day may cause termination from my job, eviction from my home, and loss of all human contact. Ok, so maybe that was a little dramatic but c'mon (super whining).

I'm also afraid that AF won't hold out long enough for these little guys to implant. I put a call into my clinic this morning to see if they will prescribe a loading dose of progesterone. It's a one time high dose suppository to get a lot on board in a short amount of time and then I take my regular crinone right after it. My Dr. did it with my first cycle but for some reason never repeated it.

Have any of you ladies been told your lining was too thin and had to prolong your meds? Did your AF hold out as it should have?

It just blows my mind how the universe works. I'm a firm believer in 'you get what you give' and I feel like I’m putting out a serious amount of effort here and getting kicked back!

It doesn't help that I'm getting the same response at my job either.

Recently my boss has begun to micromanage certain aspects of my work. Now when I say micromanage I mean having his GIRLFRIEND proof read my work!! Can you EFFIN believe that!? The kicker is that he knows it pisses me off so he constantly apologizes for it. I'm assuming it has more to do with his personal life than my actual work because he tends to be a mussy when it comes to his relationships. (Mussy? Figure it out.) He is currently still married to his wife of 30 years and supports her, his girlfriend, and another home because he's afraid of confrontation with them. Mussy is the only appropriate word.

Doesn't the universe realize I'm crazy right now and have no desire to learn life's lessons of patience and virtues? Just allow me to learn the oldest lesson....procreation.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Terrified....

It all started with this post by SIF. Please do not get me wrong here; this is by NO MEANS her fault. Her opinions are hers and hers alone but they for some reason set off something in my head that I can't turn off. Something that I'm not entirely sure has much of anything to do with what she wrote.

I think you'll better be able to follow my crazy train by visiting Kara's post over at unaffected.

Since reading those posts I've developed this crippling fear. A fear that my body is not meant to carry a child. It is my assumption that this fear has been lying dormant as a result of years of IF treatments and too many loses.

Still I can't seem to shake the dread that I will carry a baby to the point where we finally feel comfortable telling people (most likely 15wks) and then suffer a great loss after that point. Something I never even heard of happening IRL until joining the IF community.

But what the hell do you do with this fear? This nagging fear. I would never bring it up to J. He doesn't deserve to have such awful thoughts to dwell on.

Faith is my only alternative at this point. Faith I do have.

But the old adage that you will never be given more than you can handle rings in my ears.

Well IVF was something I never thought I could handle and IVF I was given.

I keep telling God that I can't handle that. That He need not show me that I have the strength for it because the strength will come at too great a price.

Anxiety is an ugly feeling.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Back To Me

As if a blog chronicling one's life isn't narcissistic enough I figured I would form an  "About Me" post in bullets. I know you're so excited that you cannot wait to scroll down. Here we go folks!

  • I'm an only child. People often tell me that they never would have guessed this. I'm not sure if this is something people say to only children to avoid the horrible only-child meltdowns they've heard about or if I’m truly a well-adjusted human being.
  • Both my Mom and Dad are homosexual. This is something they decided to come to terms with after having me although they did not clue me in until later in life. I'm close to my Mom but no longer speak to my Dad (for reasons having nothing to do with his sexual preferences, just to clarify).
  • I love crazy socks. Not so much the socks with toes but holiday socks and socks with cats and dogs on them etc. Friends will randomly pick them up for me and I rarely wear plain white ones. I can only imagine this makes whomever is performing my Mr. Wandy appointments think that I'm merely a donor trying to get money for college.
  • J and I love movies. But I have a very hard time sitting still. I make him pause it at least 4 times during a movie and I get up in between pauses to do quick things. It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but if the shoe were on the other foot I know I would freak.
  • I used to be a veterinary nurse but left after losing our baby in '09. I worked in a shelter doing primarily surgery and was no longer comfortable with being exposed to anesthesia while TTC.
  • When I met J I had been in a relationship for 7 years, was about to get engaged, and buy a house. I knew the second I met J I would be with him for the rest of my life and ended my other relationship immediately.
  • We have 2 German Shepherds and a cat. I desperately want a three legged animal but have not yet been presented with an opportunity.
  • My dream in life (in terms of career) is to own and operate an elderly home for geriatric animals. That way pet owners whose animals become incontinent, need medications, or are unable to get around can allow them to live their lives with 24 hour care and can visit them whenever they'd like.
  • I hate talking on the phone. It doesn't bother me at work but I'm not a phone conversationalist with friends and family. Texting was invented purely to help me keep me from losing all my friends. I started texting in 2002. That's 10 years ago people. I think having a verbal conversation stops me from doing other things and therefore goes back to my inability to sit still.
  • I have serious issues with my weight or should I say my body image. I know how cliché, but it’s plagued me since I was in the 5th grade. IF when I finally become pregnant I will probably start seeing someone to deal with the weight gain.
  • Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family, Jersey Shore, American Pickers, and Alaska State Trooper sums up my TV profile.
  • I've been told that people find me intimidating. No one has explained to me if they mean it in a good or a bad way. I assume that if it was a bad way they wouldn't tell me because me is intimidating. I think I just have a very matter of fact personality. Great, now you all think I'm a bitch on wheels!
  • Although I'm apparently intimidating I'm an incredibly anxious person. Worrying is something I do all day every day.
  • I love to sneak a cigarette when I drink and I don’t care what you think.
  • I will always love McDonald's and when people make pretentious comments on how nasty or bad for you it is I think they are lying and secretly drive two towns away to eat it.
  • I love Amy Winehouse, Lil'Wayne, and Adele.


Anything else you've been itching to know about me?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Little Blue Pills

Before stepping into the twisted world that is infertility I would have expected a little blue pill to bring me into an Alice in Wonderland state where I would float and smile like the Cheshire Cat.



But no this little blue pill causes vomiting, headaches, dizziness, stupidity, rage, depression, and if I had one I'd say penile dysfunction just for good measure.

From what I can find in my research, which consists of one person's opinion, is that this little blue pill doesn't make anyone else this sick.

WTF!

Although birth control (unless a very low dose) made me vomit on schedule daily so I suppose I've always had some kind of intolerance.

Birth control....hahahahaha! Wow those were the days.

Remember ladies?

Heart palpitations when you realized you missed a pill? Never mind missing two!! Dear lord! Full on sweating and calling up your BFF to exclaim that you were definitely pregnant and "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!?" Walking into the local pharmacy shaking like a leaf while said BFF waits in the running car. Peeing in the bathroom while she sat on the edge of your tub waiting for the results.

NEGATIVE!

"OH THANK SWEET JESUS! I'LL NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!!"

One hour later..................

"What are we drinking tonight?"

Oh boy Oh boy. Those were the days.

First ultrasound 2/26
Transfer 3/2
Beta 3/12

Monday, February 13, 2012

My Sweaty Valentine

Well her flight finally landed around Saturday afternoon. Apparently she was cramped in coach putting her in an awful mood because let me tell you folks she was angry as Honey Badger yet again. After a glass of wine, Tylenol,  and a couple Life.time movies she calmed down but phew that was a rough 24 hours.

I started pumping myself with estrogen on Sunday morning and as of yet I feel fine. I know all too well that tomorrow will be a different story entirely. The day will be spent with the opposite sex and therefore clueless about my fertility treatments. This will, in turn force me to hide my gagging and all around unpleasant disposition. One of the idiots gentlemen whom will be in attendance for tomorrow's awful awesome conference suggested we stay and gamble for a couple hours after.

I may have flipped out.

Ok so maybe I've had a few side effects from the meds already.

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As I mentioned in my previous post J and I are celebrating Valentine's Day tonight. We've decided to make the dinner even more ridiculous and go when I get out of work at 4:30.
What's more romantic than the early bird special? I've got a couple of gray's that have gone unattended, could probably rustle up a cat sweater, and we won't have any children with us, maybe we'll get the senior discount?!
J actually asked me if he could wear sweat pants.

SWEAT PANTS TO OUR VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER!!!






Patty- Are you kidding me?
J - What babe it's only (insert local semi hillbilly restaurant here)?
Patty - You can wear a sweatshirt but you're at least wearing jeans.
J - Gotta go babe, I got laundry to do.

I secretly wish I could wear sweatpants.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Spotting

Maybe I should make all my posts start with 'S' until we finally get pregnant. Now that would be irritating wouldn't it?

So ya, spotting today. It didn't bring much comfort and who knows if it will amount into anything. The RE who performed my HSG said my lining was top notch and that was 3 weeks ago so there should be some type of show here!

I just want to start the FET meds and get this show on the road. Once things get rolling I think I’ll be able to move back into a positive light.

Any who.

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. I had these grand dreams of taking J away for the night and staying in a luxurious hotel with dinner in bed and too much champagne but instead I will be at a casino for a work conference. Mind you, Tuesday is usually my day off but nope I'll be listening to one speaker after another blabbing about topics of unimaginable boredom. White noise would bring more excitement than these guys.

 I considered having J drive in with me and gamble the day away until I was free then staying the night but NOPE once again. I have to work the next morning. J's not much of a gambler or a 'spend time by himself in a casino' guy so I guess that wouldn't have really worked anyway.

Looks like we're settling for dinner and a drink at local restaurant and topping the night off by catching up on the DVR.


Love,

Negative Nancy & Mr. No No

Friday, February 10, 2012

Slipping

Now what?

Still no AF. I've felt intense sensations that she's been knocking at the door for well over a week.

Yesterday's HPT was BFN.

I feel completely lost.



I didn't expect to feel so down about this. It just kind of came on yesterday. Taking the HPT was supposed to give me an answer, some kind of peace of mind, but it didn't. Instead, it reaffirmed that sinking feeling that everything was already going down the shitter.

Something is amidst. I have no idea what it is but my suspicions are that it's no good.

After 3 years of failed TTC there is one thing that has gotten me through and that is moving on to the next endeavor. When I can't move on I'm forced to focus on the past and it's an awful place to be. I can feel myself slipping away and isolating once again. I keep thinking about the twins. How I walked around not knowing they were even there for almost 3 weeks, doing whatever the hell I please with my body.

Thinking about how it's been 3 years and how angry I am.

I'm over this. I'm close to the point of walking away from it all. I've never thought of living childless but how long can one keep on this path of disappointment and self-hatred.

J always says, “It’ll happen babe. We have to stay positive.”

I never respond. Last night I said “It’s been 3 years.”

This time he didn’t respond.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Yo Flo! Where You At?!

I guess that says it all.

Still. No. AF.

I haven't tested since Sunday.

HPT's are so expensive and have eaten up enough of my bank account over the years so I'm standing in protest. But how does one know if one is baking a human if one doesn't test? The conundrum pains me.

It shall be resolved with a stop at the local Dollar Tr.ee this evening after work.

I suppose because I didn't take OPK's I definitely could have O'd on January 25th and today would make me 14DPO and therefore make Sunday 11DPO in turn creating a false positive.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sorry I've pulled myself together. This is just so frustrating. My body can't even start a frozen cycle in a decent fashion. I'm not supposed to be the problem. I'm supposed to be like clockwork.

Let me explain the preceding statement.

I by no means think that because we have male factor infertility that I am not infertile. If he is infertile I am therefore infertile. His problems are wholly my own. So there! Stick that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it.

Have I ever mentioned that I assume everyone judges me in a negative manor? I prepare defenses in my head at all times just in case said person voices these negativities.

I digress.

Am I preggo?

Stayed tuned
______________________________________________

My poor Patr.iots.

I felt/feel awful about it. It's gone to that place of my mind that remains dark and hidden, like it never happened. But the Bru.ins and the Celtics are still holding their own. There's hope yet!

_______________________________________________

Psychosis Symptoms

Queezy
Sore BB's
Cramps off and on
Moody as all hell
Hangover feeling (usually my first sign of PG)
Dry heaving when brushing teeth (had with twin pregnancy)

We all know no sooner will I hit publish that AF will arrive........

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Moving On

BFN

Bring on the FET!

Woke up with some serious cramps so AF should make her appearance tomorrow and I'll start my meds.

GO PATS!!!!!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Dedication

This song always reminds me of the struggles of infertility. It gives me strength. So this ones for you infertility...

Just Call Me Panic Patty

I've always been a worrier, turning the smallest details of life into endless sleepless nights.

Lately, this has been waaaay out of control. Each night I wake at 3:30 a.m. with a fleeting thought about something and I stew on it until I'm nauseous. I know all I would have to do is call my Dr. and he would prescribe Lora.zepam to help me sleep but I'm too paranoid to take it while TTC.

Disclaimer: There are no deep seeded issues that I am having anxiety over. They are the most ridiculous things and when I wake and think about them on a clear head I can't even understand why I was worrying about them. My Dr. thinks it's something to do with my blood sugar becoming low and affecting other body functions.

Anywho.

Are there any of you out there who deal with anxiety? What do you do while TTC? Do you medicate or do you have another way of dealing?

I wonder if there is something different I can do during the day to ward off these attacks.
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Still no sign of AF.

I'm grateful that if this cycle is a bust it just signifies the start of our FET rather than a total failure. Definitely not looking forward to starting the vomitogen(estrace tabs). Those itty bitty pills make me so sick it's crazy.

Do you ladies get sick on those pills?

I'm talking barely passing as a human being for the entire cycle due to those little fuckers. The patches probably add to the hell that is my existence during that time.

Of course it's just in time for my work schedule to pick up. I've been working like a mad woman this week in an effort to get as much done as possible before I become a pile of estrogen.

But I'll be testing tomorrow morning just to be sure I can have a few beers at the super bowl party tomorrow. Don't worry I will keep you all up to date on my peeing activities.
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Speaking of the super bowl....

I'm so.friggin.nervousEXCITED! Big games like this make me a bundle of nerves. I have a hard time watching it. Similar to the Ameri.can Idol auditions. It's like watching someone you love attempt something so huge in their life that could go either amazing or awful.

Yes, I do in fact feel that intimately close to my New Eng.land Pat.riots.
Pat the Patriot. Panic Patty. Coincidence? I think not.


This just makes me laugh.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

B-B-B-Benny And The Implants...

Well I am once again dating Dr. Google and we've decided that my recent HSG will have me barefoot and pregnant this cycle! How exciting?!

I don't know why I'm torturing myself with such ridiculousness. This is my second third trip down delusional lane this year with thinking we could get PG without IVF.

Ovulation after the HSG can only be described as the ever so annoying and typical adjective of "epic". I cramped like a long run after a four course meal. Being the slutty McSlutterpants that I am I sent J a text while he was at work wondering if he was DTF.

Now, you can all pretend that you don't watch Jersey Shore but I know you do. Just for that 1% that missed it, DTF= Down To Penetrate and by penetrate I mean...got it? Good!

Back to me.

We DTD at what I can only imagine to be optimal baby making time. I have long given up OPK's so my telltale signs were all I had to go by. Five days later....AF cramps....9 days early.
I'm now 8DPO and slight cramping has continued. Of course my sense of smell has increased, I’m nauseous, and buying maternity pants tomorrow. Would you like a side of sarcasm with your blog? Served up hot daily! But no, for realsies here people, I’m crampy and gaggy.

I've been taking Bena.dryl since 5DPO because I'm convinced that my body has some kind of histamine reaction to my embabies when they are implanting and attacks those little buggers. I always take it on transfer day and for four days after. The sucky part is you're supposed to take it 3x/day and that stuff makes you look like a walking zombie! I've reduced my intake to one with dinner and one before bed. For I must do something at work besides blog.

Looks like this gal will be busting out some HTP's this weekend. Stay tuned.....


*I apologize for the rate of speed at which this particular post travels but damn I need to be uppity while I'm off the benny's.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

And I'm Back!

Phew! Give this girl a full time position and see.ya.lata. blog!

I kept up with my reading but posting....not so much.

Anywho. The internship went great but I'm happy it's over. 120 hours without pay is more than ridiculous. J and I are by no means rolling in the deep with ole Benny Franklin and to say our accounts took a hit is a gross understatement.

Aside from the lack of cash flow and the hour drive to my job site there was one other small factor I did not particularly enjoy about my internship. By particularly enjoy I mean I had to practice deep breathing and prayer just to keep myself from pulling a Brooke meltdown, seen  here .

One of my "mentors" was a total freak show. If I could use one word to describe her it would be rudeasscrazyhighpitchedvoicerag. She was so rude to patients that I would actual flinch when she spoke to them. To make it even worse she has this crazy inflection in her voice, by the end of a sentence stray dogs were running into the building.


We had a patient (grown woman) who had to give a urine sample. She had been holding it for so long she was about to pee her pants right there in the lobby. When she told Freak Show this Freak Show said she would have to wait. WTF!? The patient finally said forget it and wasn't going to wait but unfortunately for her the only other bathrooms in the area were out of order. Thinking I was being helpful I told my other mentor that the woman needed to pee very badly but we also needed a sample from her. She promptly told me to grab a specimen cup and label it with the name and DOB. I hand the cup to the patient and Freak Show has a fucking mental breakdown. I mean full on screaming that she is not taking responsibility for me giving the patient a cup and she’s washing her hands of it. All in front of the patient. Needless to say I brought the patient back and the test, ironically enough, was a STAT order and Freak Show would have been in deep shit if we didn't get it. I'm debating complaining about her practices to the medical group but ya know the old saying about burning bridges...

On the IF front, I had my lovely HSG on the 12th. During my lunch break. Yes, you read that correctly. Everything looked great. No retained tissue. No scarring but I was ever so lucky that she did it twice! That's right folks one excruciating pass through my ute was not satisfactory for the RE she wanted to give it another go. In end we're cleared for take-off when AF arrives the first week of February.

Since O, Monday, I’ve been having some crazy cramping. Today is the first day it seems to have subsided. My only guess is the HSG swept some serious cobwebs out of the old tubes and made way for a Will.y Won.ka sized golden egg. Too bad J's swimmers prefer to run in circles until they pass out without coming even remotely closely to me tubies.

I almost forgot to mention, the ENTIRE WORLD is pregnant right now. Except for me and all the infertiles of course. Every Tonya, Dixie, and Harriet on my FB is announcing their 4wk pregnancies. HAHAHA 4WEEKS! Imagine that!

One happy pregnancy announcement is that J's sister is having her 3rd. I'm so excited. She is an amazing mother and has been the best support system to me and J through this IF bullshit. She truly gets it even though she hasn't been through it. Their second daughter was born the day we lost Bump back in '09. She was literally in labor and delivery and we were in the ER in the same hospital. The funny part is my niece is so much like me it's crazy. I like to think my bump and she had a little convo on the way in and the way out.

I feel like it's our time now. This transfer will work. We will bring home twins. The Patr.iots will win the super bowl and all will be right with the world.

Smell that universe? That's the smell of excellence.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Ch, Ch, Ch, CHANGES!

Remember that little gem? You're welcome.

This marks the first week of my externship.

I.Love.It.

I knew I would like the medical aspect of it. But I honestly thought I would just have to grin and bare the 'dealing with the patients' part. Yes, I'm aware that sounds cold and heartless.  Bite me.

After dealing with only nonverbal, furry, just needed some love, patients I really thought I wouldn't be able to feel the draw and compassion to human patients as I did my animal ones. But I do. I really really do!

My geriatric patients make my day. They come out with the most ridiculous shit.

One lady told me that she hates kids because they are dumb and messy. HAHA! I mean who says that?! I laughed hysterically. They don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks and they say whatever comes to mind.

Some are so sweet that I can barely contain myself from squeezing the life right out of them.

This experience gave me the reassurance that needed to move forward with nursing. I know now that it's what I'm meant to do.
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On the IF front AF is here with what can only be described as a ho.ney bad.ger in my uterus.

Ho.ney bad.ger don't give a shit.

I forgot how painful the first AF is after a D&C. While blow drying my hair yesterday morning I had a cramp so intense that I may have lost consciousness. I don't understand how I could have built up a lining of epic proportions in such a short amount of time.

With CD1 came the lovely HSG which will be scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I'm not able to miss a day of my externship so I have to have it done during my lunch break. That will be the best.day.ever!!!

Riiiiiight

Once I get the all clear from the HSG results we'll be looking at our next FET cycle the second week of February. Just in time for my nimrod boss to change health insurance companies. He does this every single year and I have to force him to wait until I'm done my cycle. Talk about awkward. Although I have openly told him we are doing IVF he still says things like "I don't know the specifics but I know you need notice for health insurance changes." I always pull out my calendar and let him know the dates of upcoming treatments just to make him cringe. 

I'm a sadistic little troll, aren't I?
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We're going to J's parents tonight to celebrate his Dad's birthday and watch Ti.m Te.bow get his ass handed to him by the one and only dynasty that is the New Engl.and Pat.riots. Ya, can you tell we're fans? Of course we'll also be watching the Bru.ins game.

I'm sure by now you've narrowed down where we live. You sneaky little devil you.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Quick Question

For those of you who have had the unfortunate experience of having a D&C. When did your AF show afterwards?

At the WTF appointment Thursday my RE thought I should start any minute. Thursday was 4 weeks since the D&C.

From what I hear from other ladies it may take much longer than 4 weeks to get AF again.

I seem to remember with my last D&C, AF starting right when it would have had I never been pregnant.

The reason for the question.....

I had a sudden feeling of 'OH CRAP' this morning when I still had no signs of AF.

J and I have no intentions of using pregnancy prevention from now until the day we die so obviously this time was no different. But now I'm having a semi-panic feeling of what if we got PG on our own and shouldn't have because my lining etc. hasn’t healed. Dr. T made no mention of us using protection. But why would she? We've been deemed infertile.

I seem to recall my old OB telling me we had to wait until everything was 'healed'.

Maybe I'll take a HPT tomorrow if no sign of AF. Maybe I'll just wait it out.

Opinions?

Friday, January 6, 2012

Confessions

I know. Two posts in one day is just annoying. But I figure only about 1% of you is actually reading me wee little blog so for that I am sorry Marly . Your comments always make my day :)

I've been meaning to confess something on here for an eternity but every time I sit down to type my IF issues scream at me from the fore front of my mind and I completely forget.

Back when I joined a TTC blog I was very unfamiliar with the lingo. Ya know all the abbreviations and such. At some point I thought I got it but I wasn't totally sure and just used what I though was appropriate to the best of my knowledge. (I know there's a friggin lingo dictionary on the site but as I've mentioned previously I'm kind of a douche when it comes to anything technology based, web pages included)

After about 6months of using the site I joined a group with a lovely bunch of ladies. I figured out how to do what is referred to as my "siggy"(signature under each post even though it sounds like a hallucinogenic). It was then that the ladies started referring to my husband.

Hehe this is where you gasp and say "ohhh she has a 'life partner'. How trendy." No, I'm straight, but both my parents are gay so how's that for trendy. No not two Moms or two Dads but both Mom and Dad realized they preferred the same sex after getting married and having moi.

But I’ve digressed.

I assumed (as I thought they were) that it was due to the fact that we were TTC and everyone makes that assumption. Then to my horror I realized that my 'DH' was not my Dark He-man but Darling Husband. My siggy had 'DH' carelessly strewn about! Being the true totally afraid of confrontation and judgment although I'm a judgmental bitch, person that I am, I just went with it. I felt I was too far in at that point.

But I’m saying it here and now.

I am not married to the love of my life J.

Will we get married? Yes

Why aren't we? Because we would rather focus on having a baby.

Will we have a ceremony with all the bells and whistles? Over.My.Dead.Body

We will someday elope and it will be romantic and quiet and exactly what we've always wanted. But for now we live in our little house with our two dogs and a cat hoping for a baby. My dream is to get married with our two best friends as witnesses then go to a Bru.ins game with 'Just Married' on the back of our jersey's. I know you can roll your eyes now.......

Nothing more romantic than Bru.ins hockey!

Sub.ban is such a bitch. Get him March.and!

Shell Shocked

Yesterday was our post-op, aka WTF, appointment with Dr.T. From the report there were no genetic abnormalities with the twins.

This was definitely a HUGE relief to us. It was also frustrating because we have no reason as to why they didn't make it. Dr. T seems to think there was some kind of "damage" to them when they were thawed.

What does that mean?

The embryologist was tossing our little blasts around in the lab like they were raisinettes?

Somewhere in there between no genetic issues and thyroid levels she threw in that they were boys.

They were boys.

The twin boys that I have imagined all my life came and went without me ever meeting them. That shook me. I just sat there shell shocked after that. My only other contribution from then on was ridiculous bobble head impressions every 10 seconds or so to make sure she knew I was still sitting there.

I didn't anticipate this piece of information. I'm not sure why. I knew they were able to tell but I didn't think she'd share said information. I bawled my eyes out the hour ride home.

But even with this news there was still no definitive answer as to why we lost them. Which leaves us waiting for CD1 so I can schedule an HSG. Oh what fun! Nothing like getting an incredibly painful procedure after your D&C.

Dr.T wants be sure there isn't any retained tissue that will affect conception in the future. I'm bitching about it because it hurts but I can definitely see the reason behind it and I’m thankful she's doing it.

Once we get the all clear from the HSG we'll be waiting on CD1 part deux to start meds for an FET. No new plans for the FET. Pretty much what we had in place before I realized I was indeed preggo. We're transferring 3 blasts, adding acupuncture, and closely monitoring my thyroid.

3 blasts....

Never really sounded like a lot until I typed it here. Hmm...Maybe I’ll call Dr.T back on that one.

 I'm sure we won't end up with 3 because our snow babies don't tend to tolerate the thaw but I’m not sure I'm comfortable with that number. Not because I’m afraid to have 3 babies, I would love that like this fat kid loves cake, but because I don't want to make my pregnancy even more high risk than it already is and risk losing 3 babies just because I was becoming impatient with the lovely world of ART.

Don't get me wrong with almost 2 years of IF treatments under our belts I am legitimately impatient but I will never be willing to risk my baby’s health. I'm also about done with losses.
Just throwing that into the universe.

Dear Universe,

I've reached my limit for miscarriages so please be kind and stop sending them my way. Actually, how about you do away with such nonsense all together. K? THANKS!!
Love,
Patty

Please keep a fellow blogger in your warm thoughts, vibes, and prayers. She just recently found out her little bean no longer had a heartbeat. She and her husband have been fighting the good fight for 4 years and deserved that baby more than anything. Give her some love here .

Monday, January 2, 2012

Working On 'Me'...

The holidays have come to a close. Well for me anyway. All of my friends and family are still off today. Celebrating the last vacation day by eating good food, drinking cold beer, and watching hockey. Me...I'm reading blogs all day and pretending to work.

Next week I'll be starting an externship. I'm currently in sales. Although I'm pretty decent at it, if I do say so myself, I LOATHE it. No one likes a sales person. I for one become so uncomfortable with sales people that I have hid down many an isle in stores, dove behind cars, and pretended not to hear them altogether.

You would think being in the field would make me sympathetic to my fellow sales comrades but it doesn't. I just get so uncomfortable and embarrassed for them. Especially if they are bad at it. Oh dear lord. I could just die. I'm the type of girl that cannot watch the Ameri.can Ido.l auditions because the amount of embarrassment I feel for them makes it an extremely uncomfortable experience for me.

But I've digressed.

Before we lost the bump in May '09 I was a veterinary OR nurse at an animal shelter. It was my life’s work. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't mind going to work. We worked four 10 hour days and I would go in on my day off just to get my fix a leg up. 98% of my patients were pediatric. Yes folks, PUPPIES AND KITTENS. Does it get better?!

But when we lost the bump I left. We felt that the constant exposure to anesthesia wasn't something we wanted to worry about while TTC. I know there are plenty of medical professionals that work in OR's and around anesthesia on their day-to-day and still bare children but I felt strongly about my decision and so did J.

I never returned to the veterinary field after that. I had no desire to work in general practice and the other shelters in the area weren't 'no kill' so that was out of the question. So I returned to my sales job that I worked summers at out of high school. (I swear it isn’t as lame as it sounds. I'm not selling cotton candy at that fair.)

In September I signed up for a certification class that will allow me to work in the medical field per diem while I'm going back to school for nursing. I've made the switch to 'people medicine'. Something I've always known I could do but I much preferred my biting patients to speaking ones. Or biting and speaking ones...

Since leaving the veterinary field I've had a HUGE hole in my life. I thought that because I was leaving for the greater good of having a baby that we would actually have one and I would again be full filled. Well the baby is still quite elusive and I'm done putting my life on hold. It's a really scary liberating feeling actually.

I’m getting back to the old me people. Look out!

                                                 Wishing I still had that tan too!