Baby Blues...

The term 'Baby Blues' refers to a period after birth where the mother feels a little down for a few days to a week.

I think the time line there is a load of crap but anywho.

My mood aired more on the side of depression. To be perfectly honest I was not the least bit surprised. I have been battling anxiety since I was about 8 years old and had always planned to resume medication upon giving birth. See my anxiety is purely chemical rather than situational. Panic attacks come after large meals, naps (not something I'm a fan of anyway), and hangovers (as if they aren't pleasurable enough). Oh not to mention every friggin time my milk would let down! Something about my sugar levels triggers anxiety for me. I've made diet changes that allow them to be less frequent but when I was pregnant and tossing hormones around along with a different diet I was having panic attacks 5-6 times a day. It was a blast let me tell you. I've always been able to calm myself down and have them pass quickly but a pukey fall over feeling is not something I want to "work out" all day long.

Well once CJ made his big exit from Ye Old Ute and into the world I was flooded with guilt about taking medication while breastfeeding. So I made the decision to fight through it and get back on it when I was finished nursing. Riiiiiiiight

I. Was. A. Mess.

No, I never had thoughts of harming myself or my CJ. I just cried and snapped at J. A lot. I would bite his head off all day and then cry buckets when he would leave for work.

Due to low milk supply I was breastfeeding, bottle feeding, and pumping. CJ being a slow eater and eating every 2 hours I was sleeping in half hour increments. Screw hormones that would drive anyone crazy.

Needless to say 7 weeks after birth marked the return to my anxiety medication. Let me tell you people I felt/feel like a new woman.

For those moms out there that have battled postpartum depression or anxiety please DO NOT let anyone make you feel bad about getting help or medication. I don’t feel like I was ever not a good mom to CJ but now I know I'm the best mom I can be for him. I finally feel like myself and not so overwhelmed.

There's a side to childbirth and those first few weeks that everyone seems to sugar coat making new moms feel like they are alone or different. Yes, everyone's experience is different but no one’s experience goes without its lows. Everyone talks about the initial joy but no one talks about the disconnect that follows. No one tells you that the bonding grows WITH TIME and then becomes so strong you could burst. You become a mother when that second line appears but you become a MOM the first time you realize you know exactly what he needs without thinking about it and that takes time.

In the end you won’t you remember how hard the first few weeks may have been. You’ll remember the first time he smiled at you or when he instantly stopped crying when reaching your arms. It’s then that it all makes sense.