Thursday, March 29, 2012

Minor Freak Out

Since the positive beta with my less than stellar numbers I've been a little more than anxious. I check my undies like parent potty training a 2 year old. Just waiting to see some sort of sign that this is all a dream and have the hard cold hand of infertility slap me back to my barren reality.

Tuesday night's J plays in an old man hockey league. He also plays Sunday and Thursday and thinks he's in the NHL but that's beside the point. This past Tuesday was the final playoff game to win the championship. J's team was playing his cousins team so the whole family went down to watch. I'm cold all the time so sitting at the rink on a Tuesday night while old man skate around was not this girls top priority. At about 7:45 I took a break from reading Hun.ger Games (yes, I'm that girl) and went to bathroom too drain my bladder that was all too full because I couldn't put my book down. I did my usual TP check which consists of my putting the TP up to the light to check for spotting. I know it's crazy but I can't stop and this time it was there. Spotting. Light brown spotting mixed in with the progesterone gel.

Instantly I began sobbing and sweating. Wiped again and there was still a little brown on the TP. Pulling myself together I went back to the couch put my feet up and started the debate in my head if I should call the RE. For those of you out there thinking, "Why would you even question calling the RE?". After 4 miscarriages I know how that phone call goes. They can't stop a miscarriage and without blood work and ultrasound they have no idea what is going on and going back to my thinking everyone judges me issue I imagine them talking down to me and I couldn't handle that. I think it over for another few minutes realizing that if J were home he would make me call the RE no matter what my excuses were. So I put a call in through their answering service and the RE calls back about 40 minutes later. Thankfully she was very sweet and said all the right things. Well, they were all things I had heard before but she said they would see me right away the next morning for blood work and move up my ultrasound.

The spotting stopped shortly after and there was never any cramping so I felt a little less anxious but my mind kept wandering back to those crappy beta numbers. I was mentally preparing myself to have Wednesday's call back. Where nurse fertile would say unfortunately your numbers are too low to sustain pregnancy at this stage. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Nurse Fertile called back around 1:30 to tell us that my numbers were 4000+. Per my usual emotional breakdowns my ears blocked out the rest of her ramblings. Beta base had already been stalked and I had calculated 2200 keeping me in the viable range so 4000+ definitely made me feel better. Of course we're still not out of the woods. I had a small amount of spotting today when I wiped but seems to have resolved again. Please let it just be from the progesterone gel.
The ultrasound has been moved up to Monday April1st. Just realizing now that's April fool’s Day and that's all I have to say about that little gem.

Keep us in your prayers Monday.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Limbo Bimbo

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but when I'm pregnant I'm an idiot. I know. I know. Eye're only 5 weeks pregnant. You're just an idiot. But I swear baby brain is real people and it's no joke.

I manage a service and installation company and have been there for 11 years (moonlighted as a veterinary nurse in there too). As of late, I'm pretty sure our customers just assume I'm new. The estrace makes me pretty soft to start but this is just hilarious. I forget what I'm talking about midsentence. My tongue is now too big for my mouth so stuttering is pretty common. My memory was left somewhere in Wal.mart about three weeks ago. I think.

I recently hired two new employees and I cannot even imagine what they must think of me. They probably assume I slept my way through the company and because we're in the 3 month wait limbo I have no explaination for my bimbo behavior. Just wait until I start showing.

Aside from being dumb there aren’t too many pressing matters in my life. Just trying to hold onto this baby for dear life. There hasn't been cramping or spotting. My ta-tas are sore and my nausea is getting worse. I take all those things as a sign that something is continuing to grow in the ole ute but we all know that doesn't mean a heart is beating.

The ultrasound is scheduled for April 5th and I think I may pass out when senior dildocam makes his debut.

 This is more stress than I ever anticipated and here I thought getting knocked up was the hard part.

I'll have you know that the last sentence originally went as follows: "This is more stress than I ever anticipated and here I thought I was getting knocked up with the hard part." Apparently I got knocked up with the soft part. Yes, dirty I know but technically that catheter was soft!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Beta Data

Once again I apologize for my tardiness. We've had a sudden spike of warm weather here in New England and that instantly creates craziness at my workplace.

As you may recall Beta #2 was Tuesday.

As promised I tested Monday night to prepare myself for what was to come. The test came back nice and dark and definately doubley(word? I'm not sure) darker than the previous test from Saturday. Feeling pretty darn confident in my britches I woke the following morning ready to take that beta head on. When the nurse finally called me at 3:30 I was back to nervous and ready for bad news as usual. Immediately I hear in her voice that it's good news and she then says "I have GREAT news!"(This particular nurse is super sweet unlike nurse Fertile with her 10 kids whom is quite cold)"Your beta number came back within normal range, 170." She proceeded to blab about continuing my meds and ultrasounds but I had completely blocked her out at that point.

What do you mean 170 is great news?! My first beta was Saturday with a 67.9. Second beta was Tuesday with a 170. A good number would have been 200 or above. Not a little more than doubled. Am I right here girlies? Appartenly my Dr.'s office only does betas every 72hours and only expects to see doubling.

I keep telling myself  that they are one of the top RE offices in the country and obviously they know what works. But all the RE wanna be's on Dr. Google go on and on about doubling every 48 hrs. Speaking freaking annoying is that when you google betas the majority of stories are woman concerned about twins? Argh gag me.

So I always expected, with each hurtle cleared more anxiety rises up against me. I wish I could just be a pregnant fertile person ignorantly telling everyone I'm 5wks pregnant on Saturday. Making an official FB post. Oh well. No more betas for this girl and our first ultrasound will be sometime after April 5th. They are calling to schedule it today.

On the plus side no more spotting and cramping just comes and goes which I've now told myself is normal. Just taking it one day at a time here folks.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Answer is not the Answer

Let's start off with my sincere apologies for my sudden absence. My work computer bit the big one and for some reason my phone does not let me post. I've been chomping at the bit to fill you all in.

Yes, I'm about to get on with it.

6dp5dt + Brown Spotting = evening anger and tears.

7dp5dt at approximately 5am Patty wakes with new renewed hope that it was old implantation blood making its way out and she should test right now with one of the two Answers calling her name. Much to her surprise. Nothing. Big Mutha F'in Negativo. Got back in bed and shed some serious pillow tears. Back up around 7:00am walk into the bathroom cursing the stupid crinone that still has to be squirted in the plumbing for what was clearly no freaking reason now because was definately not pregnant. While tossing the applicator in the trash catch a glimpse of the evil 5am stick. Like a true infertile made the decision(with pants still down and ass on the throne)to reach into the trash and check it one last time.


Not a squinter. Not one you have to post and say "it's pink in real life, I SWEAR!", but straight up positive.

This starts crazy person tears of joy and continues while one stands outside with the dogs for their morning poop. My backyard is being torn up at the moment so there is no fence and we have neighbors at all angles. I'm 100% sure I was spotted and deamed the town drunk.

9dp5dt + Beta Day = 2am Peeing on a stick

Test is definately lighter. Again pillow soaker and no sleep for the rest of night morning. Cannot believe that I fell for my ute's old tricks once again. Of course she would kick out anything trying to make a little temporary home for 9 months because she's a selfish teenager and doesn't want to share her room. Up at 6am to get ready for beta that I don't need because I'm having a stupid chemical. Shed more tears while getting ready to get in the shower. You know what's next.....reaches into trash......DARKER!!!! What in the hell is going on.

Beta day 12:30pm nurse calls to stay we have a positive test with a number of 67.9. They like to see it between 50-100 so we're looking good. Call J 15 times before I finally get him and am able to tell him the good news.

5:30pm lower back ache and nagging achey feeling in thighs. These are usually my telltale AF signs. Aches continue until bed. This morning my thighs and hips are aching but the back has stopped. No spotting since 6dp5dt.

Sorry that was exhausting I'm sure. Long story short, second beta is Tuesday and I'll be testing that morning or Monday night but not until then. I will never ever use an Answer test again.

Thank you all for checking in and leaving your support. I'm still a mess 98% of the time. I'm trying my hardest to remain as optimistic as possible. It is awful how infertility makes one so jaded.

                                        There's a 67.9 line. Way to go 5 days early Answer test

Monday, March 12, 2012

Transfer Day

Better late than never right?

Let's start by saying that a 5:00pm transfer both sucks and blows proves beneficial. The sucky part was obviously waiting I had convinced myself that they were going to call us at any point and say the Bros had arrested and we were donzo but they didn't. The beneficial part was coming home at 7:00pm and sleeping off the Val all night without worrying about moving around.

We got to the clinic an hour early for my acupuncture appointment. I have heard sooo many good things about acupuncture. The relaxation, increased blood flow, and all around Zen experience. I hated it. I cannot turn my brain off and lie there for 25 minutes, especially not before my transfer. I was positioned on my stomach with my face in that little hole at the head of the table. I can only imagine that is what birth feels like to a baby. Far from comfortable. Also the fact that needles were poking in my body made me not want to move for fear that I would send one piercing through a nerve somewhere. I laid there rigid for 25 minutes. Not my idea of relaxing. Next time maybe a pre-transfer massage. I think I could get into that.

So after the poking session I took my Val. and was whisked away to the surgery suite to wait for it to kick in. That shit is f'awesome. I completely recommend it. I've never felt so relaxed in my life and it reduced my cramping afterward to nothing. So while that was in full effect the embryologist came over to tell us what we had in the Bro department. Two perfect blasts with one hatching. I made him tell me twice. I giggled and clapped (thank you Val). J was a wee bit embarrassed but whatev. Everything went off without a hitch.

Until Saturday.

My biggest fear through this whole process was that I would start AF. As you may recall my lining was initially too thin resulting in an up in meds and an additional week taking said meds. AF was due Saturday and with her due date came my typical 'you’re going to have your period in 4 days' cramps. Naturally I’m a nut case and checking me undies every 15 minutes just waiting for her to show up. I pray the meds keep her at bay long enough for these little buggers to implant but I’m terrified.

Send some good vibes this way that AF never ever shows her bitch face again.

My beta is St. Patty's Day. Sticks with our green theme nicely!

Thank you ladies so much for all your support. It really does mean so much to me, you have no idea.
Who needs lettuce when they make green doughnuts?! NOM NOM NOM

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Green With Hope

Yesterday was a looooong excruciating 24 hrs. It actually started Monday night when the intense anxiety set in. I know big shocker.

When I had my appt with Dr. T she took a look at how many ice Bros we still had. She must have went through the info10 times and  kept writing things down to keep track which made me think she wasn't entirely sure what the hell we had. Her conclusion was 4 day3 embryos and 2 day5 blasts. I didn't want to be that patient that says, "Are you sure that's what we have?"(que annoying patronizing voice) so I just let it go. Her plan was to culture out the day3 embryos to blast and transfer two blasts. Since our embabies tend to do the kiver between days 3 & 5 that will at least "use up" what we have. Well that appt was months ago and the anxiety about the number only came up in brief fleeting thoughts, that is until Monday night. My stomach was pissed, my head hurt, and my teeth were clenched so tight that I now have huge biceps on the side of my face.

Nurse Fertile said the clinic would call Tuesday with the thaw/fertilization report and give us a transfer time. Luckily, we're remodeling one of the rooms at work so I dove into gallons of paint and DIY projects to keep myself busy. But when the clinic still hadn't called at 3:00 I was getting uppity. I told myself that if there was an issue they would have called first thing in the a.m. and the delay was a good thing. By 3:30 my rationale had gone out the window and I was jumping in my car to make the phone call from home because I was convinced we had nothing to transfer and wasn't about to have a mental breakdown at work. After what felt like an hour drive (only 15mins) I pulled in my driveway and called the clinic. One of the nurses said that were just making the phone calls now with the times but she would see if it was in the computer. All of our other 154 transfers have been between the hours of 9am-1pm. Tomorrow's transfer.....5:00pm. Say what now?! About 30mins later another nurse called with that same time and my instructions.

I didn't have the courage to ask her what the Bros were looking like and how many we had to transfer. I've decided to get that information after I take my That way I can just smile and say, "Until next time Nurse Fertile!" while J and I skip out into that parking lot.

My biggest fear is that we get there and they say, "Well we hoped this wouldn't be the case but they didn't make it. We wanted to give you a late transfer time to give them more of a chance and then meet with your Dr."

Yes, I am completely aware how crazy that is. If I wasn't such chicken shit I would just ask what was going on but no, I can't do that either. That's too definitive. It's way easier to be ignorant.

 So tomorrow J and I are going take a walk with the pups to pass the time until the transfer. It's over an hour drive and I have to be there for 4:00 for my acupuncture so we'll be leaving a little before 3:00. Leaves a lot of thinking time, which is never good for Patty.

I've been told that green is the color of fertility so tomorrow J's sisters and myself will be doning green nails and clothes for fertile vibes.

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. Hopefully our 3 years of bad luck has ended.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Fatty Boomba Patty

This is the typical time in a cycle where I get totally crazy with my body image and I know that but I'm still not used to it.


That is what I weighed when I started dating J. No way in hell am I putting down today's pounder. How did this happen? One day I could sit down in a bikini and be totally comfortable then BAM the muffin man is living in my jeans!

What is going to happen if this infertile ever gets knocked up? Will J need to wheel me around in a barrel? Will I have my own TCL program...600lb barren woman?

I eat the same way I always have and yes I know I'm 6 years older but what in Fat Albert's name is going on??

At this point in the FET the bloating is amazing. A girl always likes her body just a little more in the morning. Everything seems a little smaller in the waist region. Not this water retaining faux menopausal mess. I look like I just ate a Big Ma.c before I crawled out of bed.

NOM! NOM! NOM! Two all-beef patties, lettuce, pickles, onions, special sauce, all on my big fat bun!

Have any of you gained weight since starting fertility treatments?

If you're contemplating leaving a comment about how you lost weight while on fertility treatments please leave your address under your comment so I can pay you a personal visit. ::::::rolls eyes to the point of ocular discomfort::::

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Smoosh Moosh

I've been trying to compose something of substance to write for days now. Due to the increase in medication I'm barely capable of talking to myself much less devising an intelligent witty post that holds my reader at the edges of my blog with unbridled excitement.
Well that was unexpectedly vivid.

Patty?! Are you in there?!


I guess it was a fluke. I hate that word by the way. Fluke. It's been tossed around in the script of our infertility melodrama a few too many times. A really shitty to way to 'explain' the unexplainable I suppose.

"Yes Patty, you've had multiple miscarriages but there haven't been any significant findings. It's just a fluke."

To me;  fluke = insignificant happening.

Miscarriage = pretty F'in important

Wow! Did you all just follow that twisted trip you went on? I'm not sure what just happened but an unexpected tangent unfolded.


Went for another ultrasound Friday and all’s well in Ye Olde Ute. Nice, thick, and ready for a some *Bros to stick. The transfer should be Thursday. I, of course, can't fight the feeling that they will call us and say none of our bros survived the thaw, in which case I will have to be committed.

Dr. T wrote me a script for Val.ium. For some strange reason my clinic does not do Val.ium on the day of transfer unless so requested by the patient. So in an effort to pull out all the stops on this 45,735,085 treatment I so requested it.

For all you ladies that have taken this on transfer day, from what I understand that's everyone that's had a transfer besides me, do you know how many milligrams you were given? As I've mentioned before I previously took meds for my anxiety which at one point included Loraz.epam (a sister drug of diazepam = val.ium) and it was 1mg. Well my prescription is for two 5 mg pills!!

Script reads as follows:
Valium 5mg
# Two
T-TT 30 min before embryo transfer

Does this seem a little excessive to anyone else? I'm afraid I'll be running around the clinic bare assed in my Johnny talking nonsense to the walls!

*Bros are what we call our embryos/blasts. I was not referring to getting my smoosh on with multiple gentlemen