Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Another Turkey Day With No Bun In The Oven

Each holiday, birthday, milestone, YEAR that passes without our baby, I tell myself, "You'll get 'em next year kiddo!" Riiiiiiight. I never in my wildest dreams imagined we'd be going on 3 years of TTC and no baby.

I used to mourn the loss of my baby and the lack of my fertility on such occasions. But this time I find myself PISSED RIGHT THE HELL OFF!! I mean really WTF?! This is not right. We went through the awful loss of our first pregnancy. That was our penance. We paid our debt to the world for our sins. What more do we need to do?!

My closest friend is now pregnant. Not only is she my closest friend but her husband is J's cousin and his closest friend. Which means we are together socially and for family events. They got married 4 months ago and she's 10 weeks along. Yes, do the math. That means they tried for a total of 2 months. That's 34months LESS than we've been trying. Don't get me wrong I love them both very dearly and am happy they didn't have to go through infertile hell. But my psyche would have benefited from them trying just a few months longer. Let me explain that horrible comment.....

 They know about our TTC struggle but it's become recently clear to me that she does not understand the level of hurt at all. Yes, I know that anyone who hasn't been through it doesn't fully grasp it. But I'm pretty sure the concept is completely lost on her.

 The evening before my last retrieval she calls me and asks what I'm 'up to'. "Oh ya know just chillin' on the couch bloated with a migraine watching the minutes tick by until they take these 21 eggs, ever-so-painfully, out of my ovaries." What I really said----> "Nothing. You?" She wanted to stop by. I told her I needed to be in bed early because we had to get up at 4a.m. for the retrieval. So she says, "Well how about after your appointment tomorrow?" Well my SURGERY is quite painful and I don't think I'll be up for company. Needless to say she rushes over the night before my retrieval to tell me she's pregnant.

I tried my damnedest to sound like the happy supportive friend I so desperately wanted to be and not the bitter infertile friend that I am, but WTF?! It was not in my human capability to be happy for her at that point. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was telling me before I found out from someone else. NOPE! She's telling no one. Just me. She wants someone she can call about pregnancy. Come on, I do not want to give my opinions from my pregnancy that lasted 13 weeks.

 There I was in pain, anxious, and desperate for this damn procedure to work. Now I had to add the dread that if it didn't work I would have to constantly be around yet another pregnant person especially in my family. A place where I should always feel comfortable is now tainted.

She finally decided to tell her immediate family so there hasn't been any 'advice giving'. I can't help but think she did this because I was being completely unsupportive which is awful. But I did/do try. I text and call often to see how she's doing but I can't help but feel like I come off kind of distant on the whole matter.

I suppose I've been spoiled by J's sisters and parents. By that I mean they truly get it. The pain they feel when we go through failure after failure is palpable. I just assumed that it was that easy for my BFF to understand. Big negative on that one.

I've been having panic attacks for a month over the idea of her announcing her pregnancy at the dinner table on Thursday. I picture those who know our history turning to me with sorry eyes while I gulp my vino. But luckily she's spending Thanksgiving with her side of the family and I’m relieved. How sick is that?! I do not want to be this person but how do I turn it off?


  1. hang in there, as easy as it is to say i know... but celebrate you and your hubbie... i really think these IF journeys will make us better parents...

  2. Hi! I came across your blog on TWW. I just have to say I do and don't feel your pain. I also have infertility issues, just different from yours. I (know)I am lucky to have achieved one successful pregnancy, even if it took a lot of blood sweat and tears, and time. But I have a "best" friend who came off BCP and immediately got pregnant. And she adamantly says she only wants one baby. I am TTC #2 and, like before, have hit a wall. While complaining to her the other day about this miserable cycle she told me that I really should just be happy with what I've got. WTF? I cooly told her that until she is in my shoes she should not give advice. I AM happy with my sweet boy, and in love with my life and what I've got...but when you want a baby (whether #1 or 2 or 3) and you have to go through hell and back to get it...well, you know what I mean)... It is incredibly difficult to not have someone to talk to. I am sorry that you are celebrating another holiday without that special baby of yours. I pray that this changes for you very soon.

  3. Marly - I fully agree. It will definately make us better parents.

    Janine- What an awful thing for your friend to say. Good for you for keeping a cool head. I would imagine that secondary infertility is just as painful. Had our pregnancy stuck we would be in the same position. The Dr.'s are shocked we got pregnant at all. So trying for the second would have been just as hard. Good luck to you hun!