The Other Foot....

Size 12, lead sole, muddy, timberland boot..... It dropped.

I went for my beta Monday morning. When the nurse hadn't called by 3:00p.m. I figured I'd call her. Normally I'm not this anxious for my numbers. By this time I know it didn't work and would rather not hear the result. But this was different. I broke the test! With no fertility treatment! I couldn't wait to hear that strong 150-200. So when she started a battery of questions about my LMP I was a little taken back but not totally knocked off my HTP high. I told her that I must have O'd early. When I got dead silence on the other end of the phone I finally asked what the number was.                                        

                                                                     13,000
                                      3 days BEFORE my missed period

Whoa...She agreed in my sentiment. Then she rambled on about how maybe my last IVF worked and they missed it but we need to do an U/S. All I could hear was a loud siren going off in my head. I knew there was something to do with high HCG and a nonviable pregnancy but I couldn't remember what it was.


Who the hell else would have their beta drawn and be told "Oh no missy! That number is just too high for our liking. Something is surely wrong in that vengeful ute of yours. P.S. You suck! Have a wonderful evening." This bitch…… that's who!

I truly feel that my RE's office records my call backs for the training of new nurses.

Dr. T - "Today students we're going to hear nurse Fertile tell Ms. Patty that her partner has blind sperm. If you listen closely you can hear her ovaries rejoice over their playing no role in the infertility. Tomorrow's lesson we'll tell her that the beta numbers were too low to achieve a sneeze never mind pregnancy. Lastly, for your final we'll get to tell Ms. Patty that her numbers are so high that she's birthing a mole!"

Riiiiight. Bastards.

So here I am stuck in maybe baby land. I'm going through the motions of being pregnant with not one ounce of happiness. I don't want to get attached to a *mole! I also don't want to do anything to harm the miniscule chance that there's a real baby in there.

For instance, I made a turkey sandwich this morning (with lunchmeat). When I finally realized that 'pregnant' women can't eat lunch meat I about lost my shit. If I knew I was truly pregnant I would be MORE than obliging but this is just fucking cruel people.

Of course I've been googling the shit out of molar pregnancy. Let me tell you people it's not pretty. Almost all sites say that most Dr.'s recommend waiting 6 months before achieving pregnancy after removal of the tissue. Well, isn't that just the bee’s knees. Not only do you get to be 'pretend' pregnant you don’t get to be 'real pregnant' for another 6 months at least. The best part is your chance for cervical cancer sky rockets!

Tomorrow is D day…. or U day. I will have an U/S at 9:15am to see what's growing in there. I swear to G.O.D. if there are moles in my secret garden I'm going to flip my shit.

But to be perfectly honest, that's what I fully expect to see.

* I know it's not an actual mole so please don't explain what a molar pregnancy is.