Is This Real Life

The war was short lived.

I knew in my heart that this would not end the way we had so longed for. As soon as I saw those two perfect sacs on the ultrasound screen, I knew. It almost seems they wanted us as much as we wanted them which hurt even more.

We were finally able to meet with our own Dr. last Tuesday. She told us what we already knew but were dreading. Our IVF in October stuck but not in time. The 2 blasts implanted on either 8dp5dt or 9dp5dt and resulted in a negative beta. They held on for dear life through a pretty good bleed. Which I thought was AF. It made total sense. The dates and the progression of the gestational sacs just didn't meet up with a spontaneous pregnancy and were just behind the IVF dates. After two ultrasounds and an excruciating wait, the blood work revealed that my HCG level had hit a plateau, my thyroid was about to bust, and the sacs had made no progression. D&C was our only option to keep me healthy and get some answers.

It was a truly an awful day. I've never had to walk into that office under those circumstances. It puts a whole new spin on the waiting room. Everyone else is there filled with hope of bringing home their babies in 9 months. We were there to have our babies taken from us. Again.

With my other D&C, I was 13 wks. along and had been spotting for 3 days. It was done at 3:00a.m. in an emergency room by an OB that I had never met. I didn't have time to process the whole situation which was almost better.

This felt like a conscious decision. Like an abortion. I was the only person in that facility letting go of my babies while everyone else was trying so desperately to obtain them. I had second, third, and fourth thoughts right up until they knocked me out.

What could really happen if I just waited? It's not like I'll die. What if they spontaneously would have started to develop? Is this my only option? I cried until the anesthesia stopped me.

I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I've tucked the whole experience away in that dark infertile spot way back in my mind.

I realized last night that I've lost sight of this ever working for us. I can't picture it anymore.

I'll bounce back. I promise. I'm just living someone else’s life at the moment.