There it is...

It randomly hit me this morning. The dread. The thought that this might never work. Looking at how many women are pregnant after their first IVF, I really didn't think that ever happened but I now realize that we are the exception to the rule.

I don't know what caused this sudden pang of hurt. I suppose it was bound to pop up at some point. We usually have a plan set in motion by now. Something for me to grasp onto to continue having hope, false hope, but hope nonetheless. But now we're just waiting. Waiting for the results. What our lost twins will tell us.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I absolutely love it. I turn on the Christmas tunes at work the day after Halloween. But for the last 3 years it just makes me a classic "depressed around the holidays" loser. But this year we got a BFP right after Thanksgiving. Stupidly I thought, "This is it! It has to be. The universe wouldn't be that awful and do this to me at Christmas time!"   

                                                               
                                                                          Bite.me.universe.

 I hate this side of myself.

I can only imagine how our family feels. I'm very good about keeping my emotions to myself. I let J in on about 1/4 of it but for the most part I deal with things on my own. But they must be so sick of this whole song and dance.

"Well Patty's starting her fertility meds again. Let's make sure we're all super supportive and loving. Keep her and J in our prayers. It's definitely going to work this time."

Nope didn't work. They must wonder WTF is going on. I know some part of their heart or mind has to blame me. I blame me.

Yes, I’m aware of how pathetic this sounds. I've never said it (typed it) out loud for that reason.

I run the scenario in my head over and over about what I would say to someone who suggested that it's my fault the IVF doesn't work every time. What type of vicious defense I would unroll? But in reality I don't think I would have one.

My closest friend and her husband lost their baby the same time we lost the twins. I can't tell you how guilty I feel about it. When she told me she was pregnant, it was the night before my retrieval and I wasn't as happy and excited as I should have been. You can read more about that here.  I think it's brought the four of us even closer but it's not the circumstances you hope for. Why couldn't we just be brought closer by having babies the same age?

Meanwhile it's been two weeks since my D&C and I'm still friggin bleeding. Nothing like a constant friggin reminder! F U Kotex and your huge ass pads.