Well Hello 2012

I surprisingly feel peaceful with the impending New Year. Debbie Downer seems to have flown the coop.

It started with a good ole fashion 'Spring Cleaning'....in December.

Yesterday I spent 5 hours finally cleaning out what once was our storage room and getting it ready for what will one day be the nursery. To tell you the truth it was the strangest yet most motivating feeling. I could finally picture where everything would go and allowed myself to realize that one day it WILL actually be there. Not to say that motivation plays any part in IVF. It's not like I have to run marathons or train. I just have to become a vomiting pin cushion and pray nature follows suit. That fickle bitch has yet to do so but I have a feeling she's ready to get with the program.

We have our WTF appointment Thursday. I'm on the fence of relief to get things moving again and fear about what Dr. T may tell us. I've made my peace with the fact that we may very well have to move to donor eggs. But knowing my mood swings I could be crying in the fetal position come 12:30 Thursday.

I looked back at my HCG levels when we found out we were pregnant back in '09 and my levels were high then too. Not as crazy as last time but it makes me think that something is probably brewing genetically in there. Something not good.

I'm also afraid she'll have nothing new to tell us. No new plan. In which case, I will switch clinics. A lot went wrong when we lost the twins. My progesterone was low. My Thyroid took a nose dive and became nonexistent. I got a NEGATIVE MUTHA F'ING beta!! (Sorry a little early in the a.m. for such profanity)

Not sure how to move on from here so I'm just going to change the subject.

This year I’m actually going to have a New Year's resolution. I have never participated in this cliché. Mostly because I never really had anything I wanted to quit or change. Trust me people this is not me trying to play Miss Perfect, It's me not giving a rat's ass about my imperfections.  But come hell or high water I am going to lose this god awful weight I have gained from almost 2 years of fertility treatments! I already started, lost 5lbs and would like to lose 10 more.

To embarrass hold myself accountable for this goal I’m going to put the weight loss ticker on here. I always felt it a little TMI but now I get it.

So here goes nothing! Let's lose 15lbs and gain it all back in baby weight!!

PS. I would love to hear any stories or advice you guys may have about donor eggs.
PPS. How much, if any, weight have you all gained in IF treatments??

Tis The Season

My day started off with a BANG.

J left my car window open all night….it snowed. So I drove to work sitting on a trash bag and towel. About halfway here I realized my back was cold. I hadn't noticed the entire seat was soaked and now so was my back. To top it all off I tried drying off the window controls on the door and accidently opened the window. I was immediately soaked with about 4 gallons of water in my lap.

But ya know what? It’s Christmas. We have friends flying in tonight. The *Bruins are playing. Drinks will be had at our house. This will be a good weekend.

I wish all of you a happy holiday no matter what you celebrate!


                              
*We are DIE HARD Bruins fans through and through. J still has his mustache from "MOvember" because he's convinced it's good luck. Although we are both 100% Canadian we would rather die than cheer for the Habs. K? Thanx bye.

There it is...

It randomly hit me this morning. The dread. The thought that this might never work. Looking at how many women are pregnant after their first IVF, I really didn't think that ever happened but I now realize that we are the exception to the rule.

I don't know what caused this sudden pang of hurt. I suppose it was bound to pop up at some point. We usually have a plan set in motion by now. Something for me to grasp onto to continue having hope, false hope, but hope nonetheless. But now we're just waiting. Waiting for the results. What our lost twins will tell us.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I absolutely love it. I turn on the Christmas tunes at work the day after Halloween. But for the last 3 years it just makes me a classic "depressed around the holidays" loser. But this year we got a BFP right after Thanksgiving. Stupidly I thought, "This is it! It has to be. The universe wouldn't be that awful and do this to me at Christmas time!"   

                                                               
                                                                          Bite.me.universe.

 I hate this side of myself.

I can only imagine how our family feels. I'm very good about keeping my emotions to myself. I let J in on about 1/4 of it but for the most part I deal with things on my own. But they must be so sick of this whole song and dance.

"Well Patty's starting her fertility meds again. Let's make sure we're all super supportive and loving. Keep her and J in our prayers. It's definitely going to work this time."

Nope didn't work. They must wonder WTF is going on. I know some part of their heart or mind has to blame me. I blame me.

Yes, I’m aware of how pathetic this sounds. I've never said it (typed it) out loud for that reason.

I run the scenario in my head over and over about what I would say to someone who suggested that it's my fault the IVF doesn't work every time. What type of vicious defense I would unroll? But in reality I don't think I would have one.

My closest friend and her husband lost their baby the same time we lost the twins. I can't tell you how guilty I feel about it. When she told me she was pregnant, it was the night before my retrieval and I wasn't as happy and excited as I should have been. You can read more about that here.  I think it's brought the four of us even closer but it's not the circumstances you hope for. Why couldn't we just be brought closer by having babies the same age?

Meanwhile it's been two weeks since my D&C and I'm still friggin bleeding. Nothing like a constant friggin reminder! F U Kotex and your huge ass pads.

How Would You Like Your Eggs?

Donated please.

True to form I've gone over all the outcomes of our follow-up appointment, ending in the conclusion that we will be using donor eggs. Today I'll be researching the shit out of this process and become an expert by 3:00 p.m. EST.
                                                                

We've been TTC for 3 years now. We've had 4 m/c's. All of our testing has come back normal, aside from J's low swimmers. Which, in IVF doesn’t mean a damn thing!

Some part of our genetics isn't fitting right. I see it as the puzzle is almost complete with one piece missing so someone shoves a piece from some old puzzle in there to try and hold it together. It stays in place for a little while but can't be *decoupage and kept for life. So it falls apart and there's the m/c.

                                                               

Perusal I've brought J in on my psychosis and prepared him for DE. He just looked at me and said "How do you feel about it?" Well there's the question isn't it. I'm the most anxious, neurotic, control freak I know. So I’m sure J was waiting for the flood gates to open and for me to toss myself from our car at any moment. But the crazy part is I couldn't care less. Our child will be half of J and carried in my womb for 9 months. As far as I can tell my requirements have been met.

From what I've seen so far, the donors are way better women than I am! My child will make out like a bandit in this deal. They must have at least a bachelor's degree, one healthy pregnancy (w/o C-section), and never smoked. I've given the Marlboro man a run for his money in my past so right there we have a perk.

Of course this is all in air quotations because we haven’t even had the appointment yet.

                                                    

*Please do not take this as an indication that I decoupage.

Is This Real Life

The war was short lived.

I knew in my heart that this would not end the way we had so longed for. As soon as I saw those two perfect sacs on the ultrasound screen, I knew. It almost seems they wanted us as much as we wanted them which hurt even more.

We were finally able to meet with our own Dr. last Tuesday. She told us what we already knew but were dreading. Our IVF in October stuck but not in time. The 2 blasts implanted on either 8dp5dt or 9dp5dt and resulted in a negative beta. They held on for dear life through a pretty good bleed. Which I thought was AF. It made total sense. The dates and the progression of the gestational sacs just didn't meet up with a spontaneous pregnancy and were just behind the IVF dates. After two ultrasounds and an excruciating wait, the blood work revealed that my HCG level had hit a plateau, my thyroid was about to bust, and the sacs had made no progression. D&C was our only option to keep me healthy and get some answers.

It was a truly an awful day. I've never had to walk into that office under those circumstances. It puts a whole new spin on the waiting room. Everyone else is there filled with hope of bringing home their babies in 9 months. We were there to have our babies taken from us. Again.

With my other D&C, I was 13 wks. along and had been spotting for 3 days. It was done at 3:00a.m. in an emergency room by an OB that I had never met. I didn't have time to process the whole situation which was almost better.

This felt like a conscious decision. Like an abortion. I was the only person in that facility letting go of my babies while everyone else was trying so desperately to obtain them. I had second, third, and fourth thoughts right up until they knocked me out.

What could really happen if I just waited? It's not like I'll die. What if they spontaneously would have started to develop? Is this my only option? I cried until the anesthesia stopped me.

I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I've tucked the whole experience away in that dark infertile spot way back in my mind.

I realized last night that I've lost sight of this ever working for us. I can't picture it anymore.

I'll bounce back. I promise. I'm just living someone else’s life at the moment.

It's War

Who's got moles?! NOT THIS GIRL!

I had completely prepared myself for a molar pregnancy. Going as far as to tell the other manager at work that I may need time off for surgery. (Dra-matic per usual) So when the ultrasound technician showed me two little sacks on the screen I nearly rolled off the table with Mr. Ultra Dildo still inserted.

Try not to get ahead of yourself here. We still have a lot of ifs ands or buts to cover.

First off, we've been deemed infertile for almost 2 years now. 3 years TTC including 2 years of IUI, IVF, and FET. The most we've ever gotten from our treatments was one lousy chemical back in September and a good 10lb muffin top.

Our last IVF took place in October. We retrieved 21 eggs, 14 fertilized with 4 making it to day 5 blasts. We transferred 2 perfect day 5 blast on October 19th. November 2nd I went in for my beta and got the BFN call back that afternoon followed by AF that night. AF was textbook. Ovulation signs were somewhere around CD10. 11 days later I started to have tell-tale AF cramps. (I always cramp 4-5 days before I start) The very next day, Thanksgiving, I woke up so nauseous that I had to sit down and take deep breaths to not yack.

I told J that I felt 'pregnant sick'. He first accused me of being hungover and then questioned if we'd even had sex that month. Really buddy?! Glad it was good for you.

The cramps and general discomfort continued. Finally Saturday I was so gaggy all day that I decided I needed to test before attending what was sure to be a drunk fest with my Dad's side of the family. (I'll explain that in another post. Daddy issues anyone? Don't mind if I do!)

Well you all saw what ensued after said test from my previous post.

Now we're still in the dark, living with maybe babIES. Our Dr.'s seem to think that there was some kind of lab error with my beta on November 2nd and I was in fact pregnant and it's just not viable. Pompous assholes want to take credit for these babies even if they have to admit some wrong doing.

We prefer to live in candy land where everything is bon bons and gumdrops. There, these babies are the result of two chocolate filled easter eggs and rainbow sprinkles.

I feel I may have to go to war with the RE's.

My beta yesterday was 22,400 which is appropriate according to the doubling standard of high HCG. Which you can take a gander at here --> HCG Doubling. Thanks to my for real knocked up blogger Unaffected.

From what everyone tells me, it is perfectly normal to only see the sack at 5wks. My Dr. made it sound like we had no friggin shot of carrying these guys to term. I guess they really believe there isn't a shot in hell we'd conceive on our own. J has a low sperm count not a sterile one. We've done it on our own before. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it! I just feel that if we don't see the yolk sacks on Tuesday (5wk3d) they’re going to push for a D&C and I'm going to have to get all warrior princess on their asses.

I am not putting all my sacks in one basket here but I'm going to let them do their thing for as long as they can. I will not displace those that took refuge in my broke down uterus.

On a side note, before J and I ever started our TTC journey I always thought I would have twin boys.