Friday, February 10, 2012


Now what?

Still no AF. I've felt intense sensations that she's been knocking at the door for well over a week.

Yesterday's HPT was BFN.

I feel completely lost.

I didn't expect to feel so down about this. It just kind of came on yesterday. Taking the HPT was supposed to give me an answer, some kind of peace of mind, but it didn't. Instead, it reaffirmed that sinking feeling that everything was already going down the shitter.

Something is amidst. I have no idea what it is but my suspicions are that it's no good.

After 3 years of failed TTC there is one thing that has gotten me through and that is moving on to the next endeavor. When I can't move on I'm forced to focus on the past and it's an awful place to be. I can feel myself slipping away and isolating once again. I keep thinking about the twins. How I walked around not knowing they were even there for almost 3 weeks, doing whatever the hell I please with my body.

Thinking about how it's been 3 years and how angry I am.

I'm over this. I'm close to the point of walking away from it all. I've never thought of living childless but how long can one keep on this path of disappointment and self-hatred.

J always says, “It’ll happen babe. We have to stay positive.”

I never respond. Last night I said “It’s been 3 years.”

This time he didn’t respond.


  1. *hugs*
    thinking of you and hoping that you get some answers!

  2. Aw hun *big hugs* I can relate in a lot of ways. You are definitely not alone. I wish no one had to endure such heartache. You are such a sweet, awesome person. I really hope your dreams come true. It's so not your fault about the twins, but I know how the mind can go to places like that.
    Praying for you <3 xo

  3. Thanks ladies. The support means the world to me! <3

  4. Thanks for your comment. I'm feeling you today with no AF. BIG hugs to you. My J says the same thing....some days I believe him. Thinking of you today!

  5. Ugh - you're stuck in limbo! That sucks. I'm so sorry. Being late for AF and getting a BFN is just so crappy. I hope it gets better soon.