Slipping

Now what?

Still no AF. I've felt intense sensations that she's been knocking at the door for well over a week.

Yesterday's HPT was BFN.

I feel completely lost.

I didn't expect to feel so down about this. It just kind of came on yesterday. Taking the HPT was supposed to give me an answer, some kind of peace of mind, but it didn't. Instead, it reaffirmed that sinking feeling that everything was already going down the shitter.

Something is amidst. I have no idea what it is but my suspicions are that it's no good.

After 3 years of failed TTC there is one thing that has gotten me through and that is moving on to the next endeavor. When I can't move on I'm forced to focus on the past and it's an awful place to be. I can feel myself slipping away and isolating once again. I keep thinking about the twins. How I walked around not knowing they were even there for almost 3 weeks, doing whatever the hell I please with my body.

Thinking about how it's been 3 years and how angry I am.

I'm over this. I'm close to the point of walking away from it all. I've never thought of living childless but how long can one keep on this path of disappointment and self-hatred.

J always says, “It’ll happen babe. We have to stay positive.”

I never respond. Last night I said “It’s been 3 years.”

This time he didn’t respond.