It all started with this post by SIF. Please do not get me wrong here; this is by NO MEANS her fault. Her opinions are hers and hers alone but they for some reason set off something in my head that I can't turn off. Something that I'm not entirely sure has much of anything to do with what she wrote.
I think you'll better be able to follow my crazy train by visiting Kara's post over at unaffected.
Since reading those posts I've developed this crippling fear. A fear that my body is not meant to carry a child. It is my assumption that this fear has been lying dormant as a result of years of IF treatments and too many loses.
Still I can't seem to shake the dread that I will carry a baby to the point where we finally feel comfortable telling people (most likely 15wks) and then suffer a great loss after that point. Something I never even heard of happening IRL until joining the IF community.
But what the hell do you do with this fear? This nagging fear. I would never bring it up to J. He doesn't deserve to have such awful thoughts to dwell on.
Faith is my only alternative at this point. Faith I do have.
But the old adage that you will never be given more than you can handle rings in my ears.
Well IVF was something I never thought I could handle and IVF I was given.
I keep telling God that I can't handle that. That He need not show me that I have the strength for it because the strength will come at too great a price.
Anxiety is an ugly feeling.