Wednesday, February 22, 2012


It all started with this post by SIF. Please do not get me wrong here; this is by NO MEANS her fault. Her opinions are hers and hers alone but they for some reason set off something in my head that I can't turn off. Something that I'm not entirely sure has much of anything to do with what she wrote.

I think you'll better be able to follow my crazy train by visiting Kara's post over at unaffected.

Since reading those posts I've developed this crippling fear. A fear that my body is not meant to carry a child. It is my assumption that this fear has been lying dormant as a result of years of IF treatments and too many loses.

Still I can't seem to shake the dread that I will carry a baby to the point where we finally feel comfortable telling people (most likely 15wks) and then suffer a great loss after that point. Something I never even heard of happening IRL until joining the IF community.

But what the hell do you do with this fear? This nagging fear. I would never bring it up to J. He doesn't deserve to have such awful thoughts to dwell on.

Faith is my only alternative at this point. Faith I do have.

But the old adage that you will never be given more than you can handle rings in my ears.

Well IVF was something I never thought I could handle and IVF I was given.

I keep telling God that I can't handle that. That He need not show me that I have the strength for it because the strength will come at too great a price.

Anxiety is an ugly feeling.


  1. I felt similar feelings reading that. I have wondered if the universe or God or something was trying to tell me I'm not meant to be a mother (or at least carry a child). I've even been straight out told by a doctor that I won't carry a child. I'm not giving up though. I have faith in you, Patty. Keep hanging in there. You are doing the right thing. Praying for you.

  2. I am so sorry you have been left with that weighing over your head since my post. :( I hope more than anything that you get your happy ending, and that you prove all those fears wrong...

  3. I don't want you to think for one second your post is causing this for me. You've dealt with enough grief. I think it's a feeling that all infertiles have to deal with head on to decide which path is right for them. I just preferred to be ignornant to it for the time being :)