I think you'll better be able to follow my crazy train by visiting Kara's post over at unaffected.
Since reading those posts I've developed this crippling fear. A fear that my body is not meant to carry a child. It is my assumption that this fear has been lying dormant as a result of years of IF treatments and too many loses.
Still I can't seem to shake the dread that I will carry a baby to the point where we finally feel comfortable telling people (most likely 15wks) and then suffer a great loss after that point. Something I never even heard of happening IRL until joining the IF community.
But what the hell do you do with this fear? This nagging fear. I would never bring it up to J. He doesn't deserve to have such awful thoughts to dwell on.
Faith is my only alternative at this point. Faith I do have.
But the old adage that you will never be given more than you can handle rings in my ears.
Well IVF was something I never thought I could handle and IVF I was given.
I keep telling God that I can't handle that. That He need not show me that I have the strength for it because the strength will come at too great a price.
Anxiety is an ugly feeling.
I felt similar feelings reading that. I have wondered if the universe or God or something was trying to tell me I'm not meant to be a mother (or at least carry a child). I've even been straight out told by a doctor that I won't carry a child. I'm not giving up though. I have faith in you, Patty. Keep hanging in there. You are doing the right thing. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have been left with that weighing over your head since my post. :( I hope more than anything that you get your happy ending, and that you prove all those fears wrong...
ReplyDeleteI don't want you to think for one second your post is causing this for me. You've dealt with enough grief. I think it's a feeling that all infertiles have to deal with head on to decide which path is right for them. I just preferred to be ignornant to it for the time being :)
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